1=. The Children (2008)
A family gather to celebrate Christmas, but the kids aren’t alright…
I feel a bit tight doing the joint number one thing now, since this was my winner right up until I had a crisis of conscience this week. Still, sharing the top spot with Dame Barb is nothing to be sneezed at.
The Children isn’t just my (co) favourite Christmas movie of all time, it’s one of the greatest British horrors ever made. Despite starring my arch-enemy Hannah Tointon, it lodged itself in my heart the first time I watched it, and has become staple viewing not just at Christmas, but whenever I need something to remind me Britain is capable of producing amazing stuff and isn’t just a Brexity shithole full of racists.
This is a critique of parenting released at the height of the ‘broken Britain’ tabloid furore, one of a number of horrors released in the late 00s and early 10s which dealt with the ‘threat’ of Britain’s youth (
F, Tormented, Donkey Punch, Summer Scars, Citadel and, of course, the almighty
Eden Lake to name just a few). Where
The Children excels is in the strength of its characterisation. The four central adults are superbly cast, each of them with their own defined personality and motives, and each representing a different method of parenting. As the film progresses and their children become increasingly infected by the mysterious illness that’s befallen them, each parent reverts to type in their response. Protagonist Lainie (Eva Birthistle) is pragmatic and headstrong, desperate to protect her children from each other. Her husband Jonah (Stephen Campbell Moore), easily my favourite character in the film, grabs his favourite child and fucks off in an act of supreme self-preservation. Chloe (Rachel Shelley), a middle class, new age type, refuses to punish of even question her children, seeing them as entirely blameless. Robbie (Jeremy Sheffield) tries to be the fun, jovial Dad to the very last.
Of course, a film about killer kids is only as good as the actors playing them and, fortunately, the ones assembled here are absolutely astonishing. Rather than becoming snarling zombies, the virus lets them retain their capacity for language and reason while causing them to become increasingly malicious and aggressive. Starting with a kick off at dinner and ending with a murderous rampage, stopping occasionally to just be complete dicks (Ripping the splint away from a very recently broken leg, for example), these kids REALLY commit to the bit. They are convincingly portrayed as legitimate threats, in particular Paulie (William Howes), who I swear to Christ must have needed an exorcism each night in order to get out of character. The film doesn’t flinch in bumping off its young characters, either, and the unimaginable horror of parents being forced to kill their children gives it a very potent emotional core. The build towards the finale and the subtle escalation in behaviour from childish mischief to Satanic little bastards propel the film in such a way that it never lags and, at the same time, doesn’t feel hurried – the horror that unfolds feels earned as such care has been taken in the early showing to set the scene and establish these kids as a legitimate threat.
I could write about this all day, but I won’t. It’s an incredible, visceral movie which I would strongly urge you all to watch right this instant.
Best bit: Jonah is an obvious standout, ostensibly a good husband and father, but also a bit of a smug dickhead with a brilliantly integrated side-story in which he tries to coax Robbie into investing in what is very obviously a pyramid scheme – it’s little details like this which make the characterisations really pop in this film.
The best individual scene is the children arranging an accident for poor Robbie. The careful set up of the scenario should be mandatory learning in schools; it’s a masterclass in building tension. The resultant aerial shots of bloody tracks in the snow are BRILLIANT.
Weihnachtstische out of ten:
