Speculate wildly about a historical character

[Finnland]

Amelia Earhart was a 6 time world Kerplunk champion, having beaten a previous long standing record set by Jane Austen.

The Jane Austen Society made her disappear for this

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Geoffrey Chaucer wrote the Bible and the Come and Praise song book, before finding fame as the man who put fart jokes on the map.

 

[ButterTart]

William Shakespeare claimed that he was compelled into playwriting by a nocturnal vision of a distant future where the craft of acting had reached its Zenith. Intensive research has led recent historians to deduce that the vision he saw was of Josie D'Arby as PC Jodie Finn in Merseybeat.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Robert Baden-Powell invented scouting to fuck children.

Probably not the topic for cold hard facts.

 

[octophone]

Abel Muzorewa invented the selfie stick.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Idi Amin spends his Wednesday evenings cosplaying as Lucy Worsley.

He has no idea that she does the same and they're meant to be together.

 

[octophone]

Benjamin Disraeli's piles were so bad, his cabinet referred to him as "Arsehole McKnuckles"

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

William Gladstone was actually a sad pebble.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

The song Stop by the Spice Girls was actually about escaped Nazi war criminals, particularly Adolf Eichmann.

 

[funky]

Atilla The Hun created Hunsnet as a way to keep his followers up to date with his favourite pop star memes.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Lawrence of Arabia used Teletext Holidays to book most of his trips to the region that provided his moniker. "The package deals to the Sinai Peninsula beat everything Thomas Cook could offer. Plus he wasn't a cook".

 

[straightorbroken]

Charlemagne was a gay homosexual who used his manly daughters to bait and catfish his court with poetry and lights off masked shenanigans. Mother Bertrada was banished when she found out. It was allowed to be noted in the Royal annals that Chaz had an unusually high voice and his daughters the most masculine of features for it amused him so and convinced him he was getting away with it were it not for the being a feeble hunter thing, of which those whispers just wouldn't go away.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Marco Polo is still into steampunk.

 

[Marina Salty]

Atilla The Hun was originally born as Atilla the Hunty but got very tired of Wiwibloggs telling him HI every second sentence.

 

[Finnland]

Marco Polo is still into steampunk.

And getting pissed on after sex, interestingly

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Justinian I refuses to get into online banking.

Update. He will on his laptop, but his phone is a step too far.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Dwight Eisenhower believes you SHOULD shit where you eat.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Idi Amin spends his Wednesday evenings cosplaying as Lucy Worsley.

He has no idea that she does the same and they're meant to be together.

Update, they went on FIRST DATES. It DID NOT GO WELL.

Amin, expelled EVERYONE in the restaurant, but worse Worsley came in a knitted dress.

 

[Finnland]

Oh that's sad, but at least they both got a free meal out

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Oh that's sad, but at least they both got a free meal out

Also Fred Sirieix is believed to have perished during the death marches associated with the expulsions. So not all bad.

 

[funky]

Karl Marx was originally called Carl Mara, but he changed his name because he wanted to be remembered throughout history as having a name with a high score on Scrabble.

 

[funky]

Speaking of Board Games, Aristotle was an expert at Guess Who?, and even won the Guess Who World Cchampionships seven years in a row. The eighth year is highly controversial as it's claimed that he only lost because they added a hat to Maria and nobody told him.

 

[jyxz]

Jethro Tull foretold that the moon landings would be faked

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Speaking of Board Games, Aristotle was an expert at Guess Who?, and even won the Guess Who World Cchampionships seven years in a row. The eighth year is highly controversial as it's claimed that he only lost because they added a hat to Maria and nobody told him.

Thankfully he was drowning in virtues such as magnanimity, temperance and phronesis, plus he'd such just got a tasty pay day advertising figs on Instagram.