Speculate wildly about Keir Starmer's wife

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

She calls farts "blow offs".

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Has a penchant for burning cats with the backs of teaspoons heated on a gas hob.

 

[KNT]

Has a penchant for burning cats with the backs of teaspoons heated on a gas hob.

Larry RUN.

 

[Ellie]

Was the first person in the UK to go Trick or Treating and was wildly unsuccessful at it, only confusing people in her street.

 

[Finnland]

Is still catching up on all the Glastonbury sets on iPlayer, and will be for some time

 

[Madison]

She invented two children years ago for Child Benefit fraud purposes and is terrified the press will find out.

 

[Finnland]

Is fine with supermarket-own orange squash, but does think Robinsons is worth paying extra for

 

[untilted]

Has a horrific allergy to cats but has a stock image of a Persian as her phone background.

Says it makes her feel like she’s “living on the edge”

 

[Soldi Elektronike]

Stuck a flare up her arse when Trent scored the winning penalty.

 

[untilted]

Went through an intense phase of wearing nothing but doiley tops from 2008-2011 but had to put a stop to it when she was nicknamed “Doily Vic” by friends.

 

[untilted]

After reports leaked that Priti Patel was throwing rulers and folders at Civil Servants in the Home Office she told Keir she agreed with her actions and found it “empowering”.

 

[Bypass]

Passes her free time by measuring household objects and recording her findings in a nifty Orange notepad which she keeps under her bed.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Inspects ALL of her own faeces.

 

[KNT]

She's quite disappointed that Sir Keir won't let her send the kids to a posh school. One of them called something "peng" the other day and it made her feel quite sick.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

She has a fetish for dentures.

 

[Bypass]

Once got stuck in a lift with three nuns and breastfed them whilst they waited for rescue services to show up

 

[TiShh]

Exclusively listens to the blue versions of the Up! album

 

[Bypass]

Owns every Steps album on tape but won't listen to them until Clare officially apologies for resigning.

 

[Finnland]

Is yet to have her first poo at Downing Street

 

[Jark]

she tells people she HATES tennis but when Keir is working from home, she loves to shut herself in a small cupboard on the second floor with iplayer, her airpods and a bottle of evian. sometimes when Claire Balding is on screen or doing voiceover, she fingers herself.

 

[TiShh]

Is yet to have her first poo at Downing Street

She's definitely a hold it in till you get home type. Drowning Street just doesn't feel like home yet . She's off to Dunelm tomorrow though so that should help.

 

[Ellie]

Has been relentlessly campaigning for an all white remake of Cool Runnings.

 

[Bypass]

She owns a realistic water color portrait of Joan Rivers wearing a heavily soiled nappy. If the kids so much as look at it she goes ballistic and grounds them for a month.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Once went on a one-woman crimewave spree in a desperate (and eventually unsuccessful) attempt to get featured on Crimewatch.

 

[KNT]

She did her first poo at No 10 today. It was absolutely unflushable and now the housekeeper hates her because she blamed it on Larry the Cat.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Has been encouraging Keir to use his power to get Safeway re-opened.

Hates Lidl "full of disgusting continental slop"

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Toys with Wicca when Keir is away on business and occasionally forces the children to stand in the middle of pentagrams.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

After accidentally digesting a whole sheet of LCD, she was nursed back to sanity in Margaret Beckett's caravan.

 

[ZjermGiraffe]

She has a level 47 Night Elf Druid in World of Warcraft

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Currently has 8 toes. This is expected to go down to 7 soon.

Friends believe her determination to use a grass strimmer wearing open toe sandals isn't relevant.

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

She did her first poo at No 10 today. It was absolutely unflushable and now the housekeeper hates her because she blamed it on Larry the Cat.

Friends are saying it was in Rachel Reeves urinal.

 

[TiShh]

Her favourite Taylor Swift album is "Taylor Swift" and she point blank refuses to listen to the Taylor's Versions out of principle

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Calls Keir 'Sir Queef Stoma' to his face.

 

[dzjermlaw]

Her favourite film is Shirley Valentine. She keeps putting a single ticket to Corfu into her Expedia basket but she hasn’t pressed the checkout button yet.

 

[Finnland]

Absolutely loves The One Show

 

[Hard Rock Ag-elujah]

Hates kids. Drowned one or two.

 

[KNT]

She doesn't know what an occupational therapist actually does and she just hopes nobody asks her.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Has been known to start weeping and demanding packets of Skips during times of heightened emotional tension.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Once ate out Claire Short with a mouth full of trifle.

 

[La Peneloupée monte le son]

Considers Dizzy Inner Smile her least favourite Moopy member and lolly her favourite. Doesn't particularly care for GNL.