VoR does RHOBH

[Samanta TinAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAaaaA]

SURELY VoR does housewives should be/deserves to be split off into its own thread now for ARCHIVING and miximal RE-READ potential???

Plus when Beverly Hills returns for the next season it's all going to go very:

in here!!

 

[VoR]

Done!

 

[VoR]

S02 E15: A Book, a Bachelorette & a Breakdown

Good Lord, the shifting loyalties on this show are starting to make Game of Thrones look like Parks & Recreation.

Lisa & Taylor(!)

After the traumatic tea party incident, Lisa is suddenly feeling a bit:

...and decides to bring her erstwhile nemesis along to Vegas for Pandora's bachelor party. It's nice to see these two getting along, but Taylor's 'Whoops! I got drunk and disassociated!' reaction to the last episode's meltdown is rather concerning to say the least.

When she's not been in a state of complete mental collapse, I've generally found Taylor to be very charming and likable, but full-blown denial is not bringing out the best in her at all. Throughout the Vegas section she's shrill, overly physical and clearly drunk. It's a testament to Lisa's restraint (and ability to pick her battles) that she keeps her cool and a mildly mortifying chippendales routine winds up being about as traumatic as the evening gets.

Adrienne & Camille
Due to the still-bubbling Adrienne/Lisa tension, we actually get a rival Vegas party starring Adrienne, Camille, Brandi, and the gruesome twosome that is DANA and DEDE

Not much really happens, although I was very excited at the return of Camille, queen of the dancefloor.

There's also more of Dana being incredibly obnoxious about having a million dollar Lollipop holder, and Camille barely supressing her disgust at being forced to bowl in heels, but other than that it's another low-drama sideshow.

Kyle & Kim
Kyle's plot this week mostly resolves around her 'writing' a 'book'. Apparently this really was a thing, though I must have missed the Pulitzer announcement.

Anyway it's all quite nothing-y until later in the episode when Kim shows up in some desolate-looking boutique dress shop, randomly ices Kyle's newly plasticated mother-in-law and has a full meltdown about her kids not approving of her terrifying new beau. Can't think why?

Anyway it's all a bit much, and even evil old Kyle seems moved by her sister's plight - although I do feel a slight sense of foreboding as - as her doomed stab at independence falls down around her ears, the twisted power dynamic between the sisters fully swings back to where it began. Will Kyle help her sister through this, or start subtly negging her again? Time will tell I'm sure...

 

[Music]

Your write ups are making me want to rewatch the earlier seasons, they really are some of the best seasons across all the franchises!

 

[Will]

Any image of "Kim's Boyfriend Ken" should come with a trigger warning

The things you will have to witness when he's around, @VoR

 

[VoR]

S02E16: Uninvited

The line between reality and reality television blurs even further in this episode, which is obviously precision engineered to play out like a slow-moving horror movie. It's hard to ignore the suspicion that a single text message could have avoided the entire mess that plays out here, but however contrived the whole setup is, it does make for another fascinating train wreck that ends on the darkest note of the series so far...

Taylor
Offscreen until the final 10 minutes or so, Taylor is nevertheless the centrepiece of his humiliating episode, when the group learns that Russell has threatened a lawsuit against Camille for blabbing about the alleged domestic abuse on camera. Tellingly, this turns out to be the final straw for pretty much the entirety of the group, who essentially react like this:

With Kyle throwing her annual white party, the group are near-unanimous that Taylor is now persona non grata. Except, wouldn't you know it, she isn't picking up her phone...

Kim & Brandi
This is not a great episode for Kim, who makes a rare public appearance to show off her sexy new arm candy () only to make a complete fool of herself in a confrontation with Brandi. The game night from hell feels like it happened around 1,000 years ago at this point, but Kim refuses to let it go, rebuffing Brandi's seemingly sincere attempts to bury the hatchet in a flurry of coked-up, incoherent finger pointing. It's a mortifying showing, and Brandi emerges as the clear victor.

Kyle, Lisa, Adrienne & Camille
As Taylor and Russell's arrival looms over the party, Kyle goes into a tailspin and starts lashing out at Lisa, who has completed a bizarre 180 and now seems to be the only member of the group with any residual sympathy for Taylor.

Despite being the instigator for all the drama, Camille (who appears to have glued in the litigation weave ) keeps a low profile while the other women attempt to clean up her mess. If I wasn't genuinely concerned that a member of the cast is going to end up DEAD as a result of her actions, I would have no choice but to stan.

I don't know if they were filmed afterwards or something, or if they're just but the scenes of Taylor and Russell in the limo on the way to the party must be some of the most bizarre and uncomfortable footage recorded so far. They must have known there was a reason the crew wanted to film this - are they really such gluttons for punishment? Honestly, it was all a touch too wall-breaky for me and made me question the whole set-up.

Predictably, having spent the entire episode agonising, Kyle goes into a weepy meltdown as soon as Taylor crosses the threshold, leaving Adrienne to essentially evict the Armstrongs from the party. Taylor pleads ignorance about the email and the couple leave, though not before Kyle has chased them into a limo and let slip to Russell that Taylor had already told everybody about the alleged abuse.

Bizarrely, Taylor and a visibly seething Russell remain on camera even after driving away. These are some of the most SINISTER scenes I've ever witnessed on reality television, and I really can't quite believe they were filmed, let alone allowed to make it to air.

I can only think Taylor might have been trying to protect herself by tacitly admitting to the abuse on-camera, but the crew still seemingly allow Russell to take her into the house at the end. Will she even be ALIVE by this time next week? The turn this show is taking, nothing would surprise me any more...

 

[VoR]

S02 E17 & E18 - Trip to Hawaii

Thank God for some (relative) levity this week, as the rest of the cast (sans Taylor) head out on a trip to Hawaii. The slender premise of this is for Mauricio's birthday, because what heterosexual man *doesn't* want to spend his birthday surrounded by his wife's certifiably insane frenemies and NO-ONE ELSE?

Contrived as the trip may be, it does lead to some fun group dynamics, given Adrienne and Lisa tend to skip out on a lot of these group social trips. Had Lisa even MET Brandi before this episode?

The main focus of this double-header is the perennially absent Kim who, true to form, fails to show for the group flight, tells a bunch of obvious lies when Kyle calls her and ultimately shows up over a day late.

I hate to admit it, but the more this season has gone on, the more my sympathies has started to slide from Kim over to Kyle. It started at game night - a poor showing for both sisters, but the first real sign of Kim's increasingly prevalent mean streak. Since then she's either been entirely absent, or drunk and unpleasant. Either way, it's hard not to feel Kyle's frustration in this episode.



When Kim and Ken do eventually show up, the situation rapidly goes downhill, with Kim transparently weaving lie after unnecessary lie rather than just apologise for being late. Kyle can't help but take the bait, leading to a tense dinner followed by Kim once again blithely showing up late for a group boat trip - which at least inspires some highly performative but entertaining balcony snooping with Lisa.



Ken (memorably described by Brandi as resembling a gay bull mastiff ) is perhaps the most singularly uncharismatic character to appear on this show to date, and that includes multiple appearances by actual wife beater Russell Armstrong. Between his nervous mumbling and Kim's slurring, the scenes between the two of them make Adrienne's gravelly voiceovers sound like Julie Andrews soundbites.

Speaking of the Maloufs, they're the only couple who actually attempt to be nice to Kim and Ken, which blows up in their face completely when Ken gets weirdly paranoid and confrontational for no reason. In a notably cringe-heavy episode, it's the most uncomfortable moment by far.



The episode ends with another blowout over dinner, featuring perhaps the most RIDICULOUS Kyle-Kim exchange so far, and one that I think is very telling about both of their weird neuroses.





Taylor

On a considerably darker note, Taylor does make a brief appearance via phone to announce to Kyle and Lisa that her marriage is finally over, although as the other women point out over dinner, this isn't the first time she's made this claim. There follows a short but haunting scene in which Taylor meets up with Dana sporting a very obvious black eye.

 

[Phoenix]

Is that the scene with Dana chain smoking and calling everyone a bitch? I. Relieve that’s her last appearance

 

[VoR]

No, she's actually uncharacteristically empathetic in this scene! There's also an earlier scene after the Armstrongs have been kicked out of the white party where she's the only one of the group who says she unreservedly believes Taylor's DA claims.

It shows that maybe she could have been a tolerable addition to the group if she hadn't been so transparently desperate!

 

[jivafox]

Is that the scene with Dana chain smoking and calling everyone a bitch? I. Relieve that’s her last appearance

Shhh that’s Season 3’s SURPRISE CAMEO.

 

[Phoenix]

Shhh that’s Season 3’s SURPRISE CAMEO.

Oh fuck me. Sorry I remember the scene but not the placement.

 

[VoR]

I cannot express how funny I found Kyle randomly blurting out "I COULD SAY YOU'RE A CHILD MOLESTER!"

UNHINGED

 

[VoR]

S02E19: Night of a Thousand Surprises
Whew! This episode really had everything! Drama! Comebacks! Inexplicable cameos!

Lisa
The episode revolves around the opening of Lisa's new restaurant SUR, which apparently stands for SEXY UNIQUE RESTAURANT . Good grief, Lisa!

Anyway the stakes aren't terribly high for her this episode, the launch party is really just a framing device to bring all the other women into one space for the evening. The only drama comes with the mortifying return of gay parasite Cedric, who awkwardly gate-crashes the party and is immediately kicked out again. At least commit to the bit, Cedric! I was hoping he'd go full Bryce Dallas-Howard at the end of that one episode of Black Mirror, attempting to make a toast before decapitating Giggy with a steak knife and being dragged out by the feet while screaming at an impassive Lisa that he'll always love her. Alas, the reality is just a bit of an awkward damp squib.



Kim & Kyle
Question for the long-time fans I guess, is there much precedent on the other franchises for what's happening to Kim on this show? I'm sure there's plenty of cocaine flying around these communities, but by this point Kim is just a fully incoherent wreck in a way that the show frequently feels ill-equipped to handle.

Having spent the entire trip to Hawaii in a meth-fuelled love bubble, Kim appears to finally be having second thoughts about gay Bullmastiff Ken, although this seems less to do with her finally turning a corner and more about her further descent into paranoid incoherence. Her (inevitably late) arrival at Lisa's party are preceded by some truly grimy scenes of her sprawled on the floor of her hotel scrabbling for her 'medication', followed by her completely off her face in the back of a limo.

I don't know what legal papers Bravo got her to sign that led to all of this making it to air, but this entire scene could have been lifted straight out of Boogie Nights, and not in a good way.

By the time she arrives at SUR she can clearly barely stand or see straight, which the other women helpfully deflect by repeatedly telling her how thin and gorgeous she looks. Healthy!

Adrienne is unfortunate enough to be sucked into Kim's orbit, and after being dragged into the bathroom for some TMI time, she palms Kim off on her sister and gets the hell out of dodge. She may be kind of a pill, but I'm starting to respect how Adrienne is basically all of us in scenes like this. Who *hasn't* found themselves trapped in a circular conversation with a drug addict in some nightclub or other and desperately shoved them into the path of anyone unguarded enough to offer an escape route?

(Aside: Was RuPaul still at the party by the time Kim staggered in? Because that is a faux-therapy session I would pay good money to see).

Anyway, Kim and Kyle end up having about as productive of a heart-to-heart as it's possible to have when one of you is two sniffs away from stripping naked, diving into a fountain and declaring herself to be the Lizard Queen.



I swear the finest script writers in Hollywood could not come up with anything as poignant yet utterly ABSURD as this scene, with Kyle attempting to get through to her barely lucid sister.



Concluding, of course, with 47 year old Kim blurting out that she's three months late, leading to THIS iconic moment.





She may be a menopausal drug addict burnout possibly on the brink of DEATH, but credit where it's due, that is a level of comic delivery that any sitcom actress would kill for.

Taylor, Adrienne & Camille
The timeline of this episode is even more confusing/chopped up than usual, but at some point Kim and the Bullmastiff eventually leave and Taylor shows up with her therapist () and that visible black eye from the previous episode.

Perhaps a reductive statement given what we've already witnessed, but the conversation that follows is so deeply weird and uncomfortable! Taylor essentially explains her situation and tearfully apologises to the other women for her bizarre behaviour over the previous months. Given she's literally sitting there with physical wounds, you'd think they'd give her some grace.

Lisa once again comes out best here, instant assuring Taylor that she has nothing to apologise for. Adrienne and Camille, on the other hand, cannot let go of the legal threat from Russell, and basically force her to crawl over broken glass before finally deigning to forgive her.

It's all deeply unedifying, but does end in something resembling catharsis, with all the women (sans Kim) making up and promising to stand by each other. The whole thing has a very season finale feeling to it, but apparently there's one more left to go, so we'll see how long the new peace accord lasts...

 

[Phoenix]

Honestly I can’t believe people watch this and then pretend not to understand why Kyle is the way she is (especially after getting a dose of Kathy in the recent seasons).

AnywAy please watch the finale asap, I need that reaction.

 

[VoR]

Honestly I can’t believe people watch this and then pretend not to understand why Kyle is the way she is (especially after getting a dose of Kathy in the recent seasons).

I definitely have more empathy for her now than I did at the beginning of the season.

I do think she lacks the emotional capability to be truly supportive of her sister, which frequently makes her come off as gaslighting and narcissistic, but obviously the true villain in this is their dead mother. Just a shame neither of them seem to realise it.

 

[VoR]

WELL....

Apologies for the long gap before the BIG REVEAL, but I watched this episode in the midst of a COVID-induced fever and I genuinely needed a few days to collect my thoughts.

First of all, the way I consumed this season was SO confusing, and after much googling I've managed to piece together what went wrong. Apparently on the broadcast Russell's suicide was addressed in the very first episode, but for reasons unclear that scene is not on the version of the show I've been watching on Amazon/Hayu. I even went back and re-watched the first episode to make sure I hadn't accidentally blanked on one of the most significant moments in reality TV history, but NOPE.

Anyway, bizarrely this meant that I found out via a throwaway talking head from Adrienne of all people during the recap at the top of this episode.

What can you even say, really? Imagine signing up for a frivolous spin-off of an established reality TV formula with a Paris Hilton-adjacent LA twist, and by the end of season two shit has gotten so dark there's an actual BODY COUNT.

It is weirdly appropriate, in a way. I have no idea where Taylor Armstrong goes from here (hopefully to INTENSIVE THERAPY) but it puts a narratively perfect capper on her tragic arc. I've written at length already about her relatively low status compared to the other women as a non-famous whose only claim to wealth and society is a toxic marriage to an abuser, but now it turns out the whole thing was a complete deck of cards and she didn't even marry into real money, just a deeply troubled con artist who was secretly going broke on the sidelines and after months/years of beating her up and lying about his finances is now DEAD, very possibly as a direct result of her desire to be on this show.

Aside - I was curious about how Taylor managed to scam her way onto this show in the first place. According to a quick refreh of the pilot episode, it was through a friendship with Adrienne, who is allegedly her daughter's godmother. I feel like that friendship was NEVER explored on the show, as Taylor almost instantly drifted into Kyle's orbit, but I'd LOVE a deep dive on how she managed to get so close to the richest member of the cast. If such a deep dive exists, please send it my way!

To add to the tonal bizarreness, the DEAD CAST MEMBER reveal isn't even the last part of the recap. It's like "It was so shocking when Russell committed suicide... ANYWAY here's a reminder of Lisa Vanderpump's WACKY WEDDING PLANNER." It could not be more obvious that everybody involved in filming and editing this show was completely unqualified to handle this material sensitively - which obviously makes it all the more grimly fascinating.

The same cannot be said for 95% of the actual episode - which is spectacularly pointless! The multiple meltdowns at last episode's restaurant opening felt like the natural end point to the season even before the Russel reveal, but apparently Lisa Vanderpump's rise to power is so complete that she gets a spotlight episode entirely devoted to her dull daughter's wedding. Kim's downward spiral was the other key plot of this season, and she's not even IN this episode!

There's really nothing to say about the wedding, so let's fast forward through that (and a rather bizarre b-plot about Adrienne's husband Paul getting a colonoscopy) and jump right to the final ten minutes, in which the ladies are reunited some time after Russel's death.

Adrienne is still flogging the MALOOF HOOF (apparently no longer in production circa 2023, shockingly )

Camille is dating a poorly cropped Grindr profile...

Lisa.. is still all powerful I guess? Wedding aside I'm realising she didn't really have much of an arc this season

Taylor is picking up the pieces of her shattered life, which questionably involves continuing to put her presumably traumatised daughter on camera. Just say no Taylor!

And finally, Kyle and Kim are essentially back where they were at the end of Season 1. Is every season going to end with a card that combines some ludicrous statement with the sober announcement about Kim being back in rehab again? Tarot says YES.

What a ride!

 

[Phoenix]

This is the original season opener



In my mind this was tacked on to the finale but I was wrong.

 

[VoR]

Just finished the 3 hour(!) reunion.

Why does Andy hate Camille so very much?

 

[Lucille]

VoR you must join us for Ultimate Girls Trip 4 when it airs where Camille and Brandi join a cast of housewives ALL STARS for a trip to MARRAKESH

 

[Phoenix]

Just finished the 3 hour(!) reunion.

Why does Andy hate Camille so very much?

Because she’s a hateful woman (it will take you years to see her come back as a regular).

 

[Lucille]

She’s an absolute BEAST of a woman but the definition of serving CUNT!

 

[Lucille]

No word on whether SAD OLD DEDE will be joining to carry her bags.

 

[VoR]

He really seems to have it in for her!

There’s a moment where Camille fairly eloquently attempts to articulate her feelings about the Taylor situation and he just interrupts to sneer “SAINT CAMILLE…”

Also him wheeling out the litany of hateful “viewer comments” about Season One Camille AGAIN

 

[VoR]

Brandi going in on Taylor for writing a book was a really ugly look too. Like, she’s broke and owes millions in legal fees because her abusive shit of an ex left her with nothing, why do you THINK she rushed a book out so fast Brandi?

I did enjoy her gleefully admitting to slashing her exes tires though.

 

[Phoenix]

Yes this is Brandi, she’s fun but also goes up to 100 in every fight. The fact that Kim and Kyle were so horrible to her gave her a lot of leeway early on.

 

[VoR]

OMG, There’s a scene in the ‘lost footage’ episode where it turns out that Taylor claiming on-camera back in the pilot episode that Adrienne is Kennedy’s godmother is a TOTAL LIE!

Poor Adrienne has to sit her down and gently explain that it wouldn’t be appropriate as in reality (ie off camera) they actually barely know one another. (When did this conversation happen? Did Adrienne only find out about this when she watched Season One back? NEVER EXPLAINED)

I like Taylor and I really think a lot of the way she acts is totally consistent with her being in an abusive relationship, but she’s definitely a bit of a secret weirdo.

 

[jivafox]

He really seems to have it in for her!

There’s a moment where Camille fairly eloquently attempts to articulate her feelings about the Taylor situation and he just interrupts to sneer “SAINT CAMILLE…”

Also him wheeling out the litany of hateful “viewer comments” about Season One Camille AGAIN

It’s not on Hayu but if you can find it there’s a special behind the scenes look at Season 1 with loads of footage, including an amazing scene where Camille realises she’s getting the villain edit in real time

 

[VoR]

OK I've started season 3 and I am AGOG that Taylor is still on the show

I mean I get it, the poor woman probably needed the paycheque but JESUS.

 

[VoR]

OK, Season Three then...

So I don't think I have it in me to keep doing in depth episode-by-episode breakdowns, so to quote the great @Samanta TinAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAaaaA , I'll jut be doing intermittent updates when the SPIRIT MOVES ME. But I will try to cover everything, albiet in slightly more CONDENSED form.

I've burned through the first five episodes already, so here are some THOUGHTS, accompanied by the all-important new taglines.

Lisa Vanderpump

Life isn't all diamonds and Rosé, but it should be...

Season Two was a funny one for Lisa. The clear breakout star of the first season - unless you count Camille briefly becoming America's most hated woman - she maintained her leading lady status through her sophomore year, but definitely felt a bit removed from the main action. She missed out on a lot of the major group outings and, aside from a brief but significant spat with Taylor, spent most of the season on a bit of an island planning her lovely but dull daughter's lovely but dull wedding.

HOWEVER, despite appearing to stay largely above the fray, clearly something was beginning to rankle with the other women, as the Season 2 reunion turned into a bit of an unexpected Lisa take-down attempt. I think everyone but Taylor got a few pot shots in, but the lead attacker was, surprisingly, the previously conflict-averse Adrienne Malouf.

The Adrienne/Lisa argument about selling stories is so funny to me, because it's patently obvious what really happened and the way they respond to it is quite telling of both women. I'm pretty confident that Lisa was leaking stories to the press, but crucially, not accepting money for it. This gives her plausible deniability when Adrienne accuses her of SELLING stories, and Adrienne seriously undermines her case by completely misunderstanding the market value of an off-record Real Housewives soundbite. I think she accused Lisa of taking something like $20,000 a time from the gossip journalists and seriously, ON WHAT PLANET?

Lisa gives herself away by letting slip the likely REAL cash value of these kinds of stories, which is obviously pocket change to her. But either way, in that moment she clearly makes a silent vow to burn Adrienne Malouf's empire to the ground.

The first few episodes basically consist of Lisa outright refusing to film with Adrienne, clearly banking on the (correct) knowledge that she's easily the bigger, more valuable star on the franchise. Poor boring Adrienne is completely outgunned in this battle, and her attempts to make amends are totally rebuffed. (I enjoyed her sending a giant bouquet of flowers to Lisa's party, which Lisa could not have received with more naked contempt had she poured her martini over them and set them on fire).

Eventually Adrienne is forced to back down and offer Lisa an unreserved apology in an exquisitely uncomfortable sit-down session. But it's pretty clear this special military operation is only just getting started. Which leads us nicely into...

Brandi Glanville
Money doesn't give you class... it just gives you more money

Wasn't Brandi initially brought on as Adrienne's good friend? Apparently she now hates her with every fibre of her being, while also growing ever-closer to Lisa and Ken. I'm sure these two developments are entirely coincidental...

But yes, newly promoted Brandi (is that Tagline supposed to be about HER or the other women?), is quickly setting herself up as the primary antagonist of the season. That said, her attempts to make amends with a newly-sober Kim seemed sincere and even quite sweet, until she responds to a tactless but ultimately benign comment from Adrienne like THIS

So far the other ladies appear to be mostly on Adrienne's side, and she's also got a secondary enemy in Taylor, who resents the (genuinely horrible and below the belt) way Brandi attacked her during the Season 2 reunion. Her saving grace is of course her position as the Belarus to Lisa's Russia, but that bit of sunlight is only going to shine on her for so long. Just ask Cedric...

Adrienne Malouf
Know your friends, show your enemies the door...

Essentially covered in my Lisa/Brandi recaps. Poor Adrienne may be the richest housewife, but she's hopelessly outgunned in this fight. From being forced to bow and scrape to Lisa for airtime to being humiliated by Brandi, it's been a rough first few episodes for Ms Malouf. Still, at least she's finally got something to do beyond dressing like shit and trading charmless sitcom banter with Paul...

Taylor Armstrong
I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now!

OK, we need to start with that tagline. LADY. Your husband is DEAD BY HIS OWN HAND!

It's all just very bizarre and I do get that she needed the money and Bravo clearly felt bad about the way things turned out, but it's all SO grim and uncomfortable.

Plot-wise, so far she's been quite light. There's a bit of a hint that she's drinking too much which - DUH! Her resentment towards Brandi is totally justified, but it seems to be taking a back seat to the Vanderpump-Malouf wars so far. Honestly, I'm quietly hoping she just spends this season quietly collecting her cheques and using them to attend a great deal of therapy.


Yolanda Hadid
I like to have fun, but I DON'T like to play games!

OK then!

During a hungover moment at the Moopy Eurovision hovel, a bunch of us watched a compilation of every Real Housewife tagline ever, and aside from that terrifying harpy from OC and her constant WOOHOO-ing, the comedy highlight for me was how uniformly DOUR and HUMOURLESS Yolanda's bon mots are.

This season's new character seems like an odd fit really. She doesn't drink, she very obviously has no relationship or interest in any of these women beyond a passing acquaintance with Lisa Vanderpump, and she generally comes off like a total pill.

That said, I'm kind of digging her haughty, self-satisfied, low-key crazy person vibe, and @Suomi's write-up of her (presumably upcoming) reign of LEMON TERROR was the reason I finally caved and got invested in this show. So I'm keeping an open mind.

Kim Richards
Life is a journey, and I'm finding myself every day...

Kyle Richards
I was born and raised in Beverley Hills, this is MY TOWN (begrudgingly, i must admit this one is kind of a serve )

Kim is apparently sober now, which is lovely! Also, hilariously, in the cold light of sobriety she seems to have fully realised that she actually fucking hates Kyle and has spent these first few episodes interacting with her as little as humanly possible .

Neither sister has been front and centre in much of the drama yet. Kyle remains the lynchpin/de facto narrator of the show and that's a role she plays perfectly fine. There's some boring family stuff with Mauricio and her daughters but I'm not even going to waste the virtual ink. She does seem to be the only one who has the power to call Lisa out, which she does on a couple of occasions. Interested to see where this goes, as I suspect she's only getting away with it while Lisa's eyes are trained on another.

Kim finally makes up with Brandi in a sweetly tearful dinner table scene which, as discussed above, gets marred by Brandi going full pitbull on Adrienne. But I see potential for these two, and I kind of hope they wind up teaming up to destroy Kyle. She also makes a good first impression on Yolanda, and is together enough to be trusted with 'organising' the show's first major group to Ojai. Like Taylor, Kim had a very dark season 2 so I'm fine if this is her being a bit of a side character while she pulls her life back together.

Speaking of side characters...

Camille Grammer
No tagline due to DEMOTION from the opening credits

RIP to our passive-aggressive, clairvoyant-wielding female Jesus. Other than Andy Cohen's obvious HATE BONER for her I'm a little surprised she wasn't brought back, as even with her aggressive PR revamp through season two, she managed to find herself at the centre of the show's most compelling drama when she outed Taylor's domestic abuse claims. Plus she gives such great talking head!

At first I thought it was going to get super dystopian and she was going to be written out of the show's history and never seen or spoken of again, but after a no-show in episode one it kind of feels like she's exactly as present as she was before? She's not doing much beyond bragging about her hot new piece, but I'm glad she's still around even if it is in a reduced capacity.


God that was a lot, so much for saving myself a bit of time by not breaking down every episode!

 

[ZenGiraffe]

that terrifying harpy from OC and her constant WOOHOO-ing,

God, this has immediately haunted me all over again

 

[Phoenix]

Amazing as usual

(This is the aforementioned harpy from the OC, I think this is face number 3)

 

[Phoenix]

Also I would have loved to have a recording of Moopy people watching housewives.

 

[VoR]

OK, so is this mysterious MALOOF FAMILY SECRET that the show keeps choppily editing around actually something I'm best not knowing at this point? Is there a big reveal later in the season?

(I just got to the episode where Adrienne flipped out on Brandi thanks to Kim's entirely malicious choice to ruin Mauricio's business launch )

 

[jivafox]

OK, so is this mysterious MALOOF FAMILY SECRET that the show keeps choppily editing around actually something I'm best not knowing at this point? Is there a big reveal later in the season?

(I just got to the episode where Adrienne flipped out on Brandi thanks to Kim's entirely malicious choice to ruin Mauricio's business launch )

I don’t think you ever find out on the show because Adrienne sued to keep it out but

Spoiler

Adrienne’s twins were delivered by surrogate

 

[VoR]

How boring! I was hoping she was the one who killed Russell.

 

[VoR]

But also, what a vile thing for Brandi to put out there if the kids didn’t know!

 

[jivafox]

I do like how after the OUTRAGE of Camille being sued last season, how quick Adrienne smirks “THAT’S A LAWSUIT” as soon as Kim tells her what Brandi said

 

[Iguana]

OK, Season Three then...

So I don't think I have it in me to keep doing in depth episode-by-episode breakdowns, so to quote the great @Samanta TinAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaAAaaaA , I'll jut be doing intermittent updates when the SPIRIT MOVES ME. But I will try to cover everything, albiet in slightly more CONDENSED form.

I've burned through the first five episodes already, so here are some THOUGHTS, accompanied by the all-important new taglines.

Lisa Vanderpump

Life isn't all diamonds and Rosé, but it should be...

Season Two was a funny one for Lisa. The clear breakout star of the first season - unless you count Camille briefly becoming America's most hated woman - she maintained her leading lady status through her sophomore year, but definitely felt a bit removed from the main action. She missed out on a lot of the major group outings and, aside from a brief but significant spat with Taylor, spent most of the season on a bit of an island planning her lovely but dull daughter's lovely but dull wedding.

HOWEVER, despite appearing to stay largely above the fray, clearly something was beginning to rankle with the other women, as the Season 2 reunion turned into a bit of an unexpected Lisa take-down attempt. I think everyone but Taylor got a few pot shots in, but the lead attacker was, surprisingly, the previously conflict-averse Adrienne Malouf.

The Adrienne/Lisa argument about selling stories is so funny to me, because it's patently obvious what really happened and the way they respond to it is quite telling of both women. I'm pretty confident that Lisa was leaking stories to the press, but crucially, not accepting money for it. This gives her plausible deniability when Adrienne accuses her of SELLING stories, and Adrienne seriously undermines her case by completely misunderstanding the market value of an off-record Real Housewives soundbite. I think she accused Lisa of taking something like $20,000 a time from the gossip journalists and seriously, ON WHAT PLANET?

Lisa gives herself away by letting slip the likely REAL cash value of these kinds of stories, which is obviously pocket change to her. But either way, in that moment she clearly makes a silent vow to burn Adrienne Malouf's empire to the ground.

The first few episodes basically consist of Lisa outright refusing to film with Adrienne, clearly banking on the (correct) knowledge that she's easily the bigger, more valuable star on the franchise. Poor boring Adrienne is completely outgunned in this battle, and her attempts to make amends are totally rebuffed. (I enjoyed her sending a giant bouquet of flowers to Lisa's party, which Lisa could not have received with more naked contempt had she poured her martini over them and set them on fire).

Eventually Adrienne is forced to back down and offer Lisa an unreserved apology in an exquisitely uncomfortable sit-down session. But it's pretty clear this special military operation is only just getting started. Which leads us nicely into...

Brandi Glanville
Money doesn't give you class... it just gives you more money

Wasn't Brandi initially brought on as Adrienne's good friend? Apparently she now hates her with every fibre of her being, while also growing ever-closer to Lisa and Ken. I'm sure these two developments are entirely coincidental...

But yes, newly promoted Brandi (is that Tagline supposed to be about HER or the other women?), is quickly setting herself up as the primary antagonist of the season. That said, her attempts to make amends with a newly-sober Kim seemed sincere and even quite sweet, until she responds to a tactless but ultimately benign comment from Adrienne like THIS

So far the other ladies appear to be mostly on Adrienne's side, and she's also got a secondary enemy in Taylor, who resents the (genuinely horrible and below the belt) way Brandi attacked her during the Season 2 reunion. Her saving grace is of course her position as the Belarus to Lisa's Russia, but that bit of sunlight is only going to shine on her for so long. Just ask Cedric...

Adrienne Malouf
Know your friends, show your enemies the door...

Essentially covered in my Lisa/Brandi recaps. Poor Adrienne may be the richest housewife, but she's hopelessly outgunned in this fight. From being forced to bow and scrape to Lisa for airtime to being humiliated by Brandi, it's been a rough first few episodes for Ms Malouf. Still, at least she's finally got something to do beyond dressing like shit and trading charmless sitcom banter with Paul...

Taylor Armstrong
I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now!

OK, we need to start with that tagline. LADY. Your husband is DEAD BY HIS OWN HAND!

It's all just very bizarre and I do get that she needed the money and Bravo clearly felt bad about the way things turned out, but it's all SO grim and uncomfortable.

Plot-wise, so far she's been quite light. There's a bit of a hint that she's drinking too much which - DUH! Her resentment towards Brandi is totally justified, but it seems to be taking a back seat to the Vanderpump-Malouf wars so far. Honestly, I'm quietly hoping she just spends this season quietly collecting her cheques and using them to attend a great deal of therapy.


Yolanda Hadid
I like to have fun, but I DON'T like to play games!

OK then!

During a hungover moment at the Moopy Eurovision hovel, a bunch of us watched a compilation of every Real Housewife tagline ever, and aside from that terrifying harpy from OC and her constant WOOHOO-ing, the comedy highlight for me was how uniformly DOUR and HUMOURLESS Yolanda's bon mots are.

This season's new character seems like an odd fit really. She doesn't drink, she very obviously has no relationship or interest in any of these women beyond a passing acquaintance with Lisa Vanderpump, and she generally comes off like a total pill.

That said, I'm kind of digging her haughty, self-satisfied, low-key crazy person vibe, and @Suomi's write-up of her (presumably upcoming) reign of LEMON TERROR was the reason I finally caved and got invested in this show. So I'm keeping an open mind.

Kim Richards
Life is a journey, and I'm finding myself every day...

Kyle Richards
I was born and raised in Beverley Hills, this is MY TOWN (begrudgingly, i must admit this one is kind of a serve )

Kim is apparently sober now, which is lovely! Also, hilariously, in the cold light of sobriety she seems to have fully realised that she actually fucking hates Kyle and has spent these first few episodes interacting with her as little as humanly possible .

Neither sister has been front and centre in much of the drama yet. Kyle remains the lynchpin/de facto narrator of the show and that's a role she plays perfectly fine. There's some boring family stuff with Mauricio and her daughters but I'm not even going to waste the virtual ink. She does seem to be the only one who has the power to call Lisa out, which she does on a couple of occasions. Interested to see where this goes, as I suspect she's only getting away with it while Lisa's eyes are trained on another.

Kim finally makes up with Brandi in a sweetly tearful dinner table scene which, as discussed above, gets marred by Brandi going full pitbull on Adrienne. But I see potential for these two, and I kind of hope they wind up teaming up to destroy Kyle. She also makes a good first impression on Yolanda, and is together enough to be trusted with 'organising' the show's first major group to Ojai. Like Taylor, Kim had a very dark season 2 so I'm fine if this is her being a bit of a side character while she pulls her life back together.

Speaking of side characters...

Camille Grammer
No tagline due to DEMOTION from the opening credits

RIP to our passive-aggressive, clairvoyant-wielding female Jesus. Other than Andy Cohen's obvious HATE BONER for her I'm a little surprised she wasn't brought back, as even with her aggressive PR revamp through season two, she managed to find herself at the centre of the show's most compelling drama when she outed Taylor's domestic abuse claims. Plus she gives such great talking head!

At first I thought it was going to get super dystopian and she was going to be written out of the show's history and never seen or spoken of again, but after a no-show in episode one it kind of feels like she's exactly as present as she was before? She's not doing much beyond bragging about her hot new piece, but I'm glad she's still around even if it is in a reduced capacity.


God that was a lot, so much for saving myself a bit of time by not breaking down every episode!

Love your summaries so much! So much of the detail here I'd forgotten about, a nice reminder!

 

[VoR]

I know they did it with Brandi and Dana/Pam in Season 2 (to WILDLY contrasting levels of success) but it's so funny to me how the show will just RANDOMLY introduce completely new women to the social circle and act like they've been part of the group the whole time. It reminds me of the Dawn fake-out from Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I mean, seriously, WHO is THIS?

 

[Phoenix]

She was married to the grandson of the guy who created 20th century Fox or something.

She’s also known for another thing but I don’t want to spoil it.