VoR does RHOBH
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VoR
Take it or leave it
I'm aiming to get another recap written up shortly, but my current Taylor fascination is her habit of referring to people as 'her best friends in the world' when it appears the relationships are casual at best. 
It started with her claiming that Adrienne was her daughter's Godmother in Season 2, she's constantly insisting that she and Kyle are as close as sisters despite Kyle seeming to barely be bothered with her (although that probably is about as much genuine warmth as Kyle is capable of emitting) and I've just got to her refusal to engage with Yolanda on account of her being married to the ex of her 'Oldest and dearest friend' Giraffe lady Linda Thompson, who appears genuinely baffled by this unasked for act of loyalty and, surprise surprise, appears to no longer follow Taylor on Instagram (if she ever did!)
In some ways Taylor comes off as one of the more (relatively) sane and relatable women, but she clearly is actually DEEPLY STRANGE under the surface.
It started with her claiming that Adrienne was her daughter's Godmother in Season 2, she's constantly insisting that she and Kyle are as close as sisters despite Kyle seeming to barely be bothered with her (although that probably is about as much genuine warmth as Kyle is capable of emitting) and I've just got to her refusal to engage with Yolanda on account of her being married to the ex of her 'Oldest and dearest friend' Giraffe lady Linda Thompson, who appears genuinely baffled by this unasked for act of loyalty and, surprise surprise, appears to no longer follow Taylor on Instagram (if she ever did!)
In some ways Taylor comes off as one of the more (relatively) sane and relatable women, but she clearly is actually DEEPLY STRANGE under the surface.
VoR
Take it or leave it
Big 
at that video Jiva posted describing their marriage as a 'rocky relationship'
at that video Jiva posted describing their marriage as a 'rocky relationship'
VoR
Take it or leave it
The impression she gives is that she didn't know he was secretly broke until the fallout from the suicide. I think maybe he must have had money (or at least access to capital) for a time, but lost it all.
I did find the scene where she's forced to sell her wedding ring as part of the legal settlement to be quite a sad moment. Although she somewhat undermines it by following up by bemoaning that she was also forced to return two of her favourite designer handbags.
VoR
Take it or leave it
Oh that reminds me of one of my favourite Yolanda lines from Season 3, where she sadly reflects that 'most people' buy their children multiple horses, but she can afford to give poor impoverished Gigi only one. 
VoR
Take it or leave it
Although my ACTUAL favourite Yolanda moment so far is her condescendingly lecturing the help that they should make more of an effort to learn English.
VoR
Take it or leave it
”I like to have fun, but I DON’T play games…”
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VoR
Take it or leave it
Season Three Midway Review
I've reached the halfway point of Season Three so I figured it was time for another check-in on the insane ladies of Beverley Hills. Nobody's dead yet, so that's one thing, but there's certainly a lot to discuss...
Lisa Vanderpump
Having spent her first few episodes this season engineering Adrienne Malouf's demise, arch-schemer Lisa V's latest grift is evidently turning half of every episode of RHOBH into a backdoor pilot for Vanderpump Rules. From crowbarring her curiously charisma-free underlings into every possible social event to manipulating Brandi into a sit-down with (one of) the woman who slept with her husband, she's in full-producer mode in these episodes.
I can't say any of it makes me want to actually WATCH Vanderpump Rules, as even in their relatively fleeting moments of screen time the cast all seem like uniformly terribly human beings, and not in the fabulously batshit way that the Housewives are. I mean, could 'Scheana' even SPELL the word pernicious?
That's about it with Lisa really. It is quite funny to me that she'd clearly much rather be a successful TV producer than have any kind of credibility as a restauranteur, because surely none of these petulant bimbos would last five minutes in a serious business. There's also some boring stuff with Ken getting a hip replacement, but I can't say I care much for their whole sitcom couple schtick. They're better at it than the Maloof's, but that's a lower bar than SUR's hiring standards...
Brandi vs The Maloofs
God, Brandi is exhausting this season.
The good - her confrontation with Scheana was genuinely compelling and she walked away from it with a surprising amount of dignity. Plus, for all of LVP's machinations, Brandi very obviously knows what show she's on and is quite willing to do what's asked of her in the name of creating good television.
Speaking of good television, the Maloof fight - which, again, I LOVE that Kim engineered at Mauricio's real estate party purely to spite Kyle - was clearly the event on which the rest of this season is going to turn. Adrienne generally kept herself above the fray in her first two seasons, so it's quite novel to see her genuinely rattled for once. Unfortunately for her, she handles the entire situation terribly - from making herself look like a total hypocrite by unleashing the lawyers, to essentially removing herself from the show for the next couple of episodes, giving herself no right of reply while Brandi does the rounds telling anybody who'll listen what a monstrous bitch she is.
On the other hand, Brandi makes a huge fool of herself at two subsequent dinners when she's brought to task first by THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK (yay!) and then by Mauricio. Even if Brandi does have the truth on her side, her response to anyone questioning her behaviour (or disagreeing with her in any way) is to explode into barely coherent screaming. She's massively lucked out by having both Lisa and (bafflingly) Yolanda on her side for now, but I can't see either alliance lasting if she doesn't learn to reign things in a bit.
Kyle 'n' Kim
It's more implied than directly shown, but Sober Kim being a cunt to Kyle is possibly my favourite little sub-plot of this season. It peaks with Maloof-gate, and I love her "GOT IT KYLE! HEARD YOU THE FIRST FIVE TIMES!" retort when Kyle gets all pissy about it, but she's also evidently freezing Kyle out of family events, such as a questionable trip to Las Vegas with her kids. No wonder every talking head has Kyle essentially manifesting her sister falling off the wagon again. Sober Kim can actually stand up to her!
Sadly there seems to be reconciliation in the air at the Moroccan dinner, but I assume/hope it's temporary. Other than that, not much to say. Kyle's clearly still on damage control, hence desperately/boringly avoiding direct conflict with the other cast members. She's also opening a designer boutique apparently. Will there be any kaftans left in Beverley Hills by the time she's finished? We may or may not find out!
Yolanda
OK, I'm officially of obsessed with Yolanda. She's still a non-drinking, generally fun-averse curio in this cast, and it's very clear she's just fitting in obligatory scenes in between luncheons with Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer rather than wholeheartedly engaging with the group, but she's a truly fascinating creature in her own right.
She's got a similar deep money vibe to Adrienne, but unlike the boring and guarded Ms Maloof, Yolanda's brand of clueless rich lady comes with a whole bonus fruit basket full of crazy.
I can't possibly do greater justice to the whole MASTER CLEANSE episode than @Suomi did - so I'll simply point you to his writings on that subject - but suffice to say that I am very much enjoying the slow peeling back of the layers of Yolanda's evident insanity. In particular, her domineering parenting, her obsession with becoming immortal and her endearingly strange olde-worlde views about the proper way for women to behave (i.e. deferring to their horrible smug Republican husbands in all things until they end up leaving you for a runner-up from American Idol - PLEASE tell me Yolanda was still on the show when THAT happened!)
Taylor
I kind of covered Taylor in previous posts so I'll just reiterate that the scene where she admits she's being forced to surrender her wedding ring was a properly sad moment. There's also an amazingly horrible scene at the Morroccan dinner party where Kyle and Camille both essentially declare (via confessionals) that they're BORED of hearing her wanging on about her husband's suicide and the financial and legal nightmares that she's been embroiled in ever since, because it was a whole year ago and she should stop being so self-involved. Such lovely people...
I've reached the halfway point of Season Three so I figured it was time for another check-in on the insane ladies of Beverley Hills. Nobody's dead yet, so that's one thing, but there's certainly a lot to discuss...
Lisa Vanderpump
Having spent her first few episodes this season engineering Adrienne Malouf's demise, arch-schemer Lisa V's latest grift is evidently turning half of every episode of RHOBH into a backdoor pilot for Vanderpump Rules. From crowbarring her curiously charisma-free underlings into every possible social event to manipulating Brandi into a sit-down with (one of) the woman who slept with her husband, she's in full-producer mode in these episodes.
I can't say any of it makes me want to actually WATCH Vanderpump Rules, as even in their relatively fleeting moments of screen time the cast all seem like uniformly terribly human beings, and not in the fabulously batshit way that the Housewives are. I mean, could 'Scheana' even SPELL the word pernicious?
That's about it with Lisa really. It is quite funny to me that she'd clearly much rather be a successful TV producer than have any kind of credibility as a restauranteur, because surely none of these petulant bimbos would last five minutes in a serious business. There's also some boring stuff with Ken getting a hip replacement, but I can't say I care much for their whole sitcom couple schtick. They're better at it than the Maloof's, but that's a lower bar than SUR's hiring standards...
Brandi vs The Maloofs
God, Brandi is exhausting this season
.The good - her confrontation with Scheana was genuinely compelling and she walked away from it with a surprising amount of dignity. Plus, for all of LVP's machinations, Brandi very obviously knows what show she's on and is quite willing to do what's asked of her in the name of creating good television.
Speaking of good television, the Maloof fight - which, again, I LOVE that Kim engineered at Mauricio's real estate party purely to spite Kyle
- was clearly the event on which the rest of this season is going to turn. Adrienne generally kept herself above the fray in her first two seasons, so it's quite novel to see her genuinely rattled for once. Unfortunately for her, she handles the entire situation terribly - from making herself look like a total hypocrite by unleashing the lawyers, to essentially removing herself from the show for the next couple of episodes, giving herself no right of reply while Brandi does the rounds telling anybody who'll listen what a monstrous bitch she is. On the other hand, Brandi makes a huge fool of herself at two subsequent dinners when she's brought to task first by THE MORALLY CORRUPT FAYE RESNICK (yay!) and then by Mauricio. Even if Brandi does have the truth on her side, her response to anyone questioning her behaviour (or disagreeing with her in any way) is to explode into barely coherent screaming. She's massively lucked out by having both Lisa and (bafflingly) Yolanda on her side for now, but I can't see either alliance lasting if she doesn't learn to reign things in a bit.
Kyle 'n' Kim
It's more implied than directly shown, but Sober Kim being a cunt to Kyle is possibly my favourite little sub-plot of this season.
It peaks with Maloof-gate, and I love her "GOT IT KYLE! HEARD YOU THE FIRST FIVE TIMES!" retort when Kyle gets all pissy about it, but she's also evidently freezing Kyle out of family events, such as a questionable trip to Las Vegas with her kids. No wonder every talking head has Kyle essentially manifesting her sister falling off the wagon again. Sober Kim can actually stand up to her!Sadly there seems to be reconciliation in the air at the Moroccan dinner, but I assume/hope it's temporary. Other than that, not much to say. Kyle's clearly still on damage control, hence desperately/boringly avoiding direct conflict with the other cast members. She's also opening a designer boutique apparently. Will there be any kaftans left in Beverley Hills by the time she's finished? We may or may not find out!
Yolanda
OK, I'm officially of obsessed with Yolanda. She's still a non-drinking, generally fun-averse curio in this cast, and it's very clear she's just fitting in obligatory scenes in between luncheons with Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer rather than wholeheartedly engaging with the group, but she's a truly fascinating creature in her own right.
She's got a similar deep money vibe to Adrienne, but unlike the boring and guarded Ms Maloof, Yolanda's brand of clueless rich lady comes with a whole bonus fruit basket full of crazy.
I can't possibly do greater justice to the whole MASTER CLEANSE episode than @Suomi did - so I'll simply point you to his writings on that subject - but suffice to say that I am very much enjoying the slow peeling back of the layers of Yolanda's evident insanity. In particular, her domineering parenting, her obsession with becoming immortal and her endearingly strange olde-worlde views about the proper way for women to behave (i.e. deferring to their horrible smug Republican husbands in all things until they end up leaving you for a runner-up from American Idol - PLEASE tell me Yolanda was still on the show when THAT happened!)
Taylor
I kind of covered Taylor in previous posts so I'll just reiterate that the scene where she admits she's being forced to surrender her wedding ring was a properly sad moment. There's also an amazingly horrible scene at the Morroccan dinner party where Kyle and Camille both essentially declare (via confessionals) that they're BORED of hearing her wanging on about her husband's suicide and the financial and legal nightmares that she's been embroiled in ever since, because it was a whole year ago and she should stop being so self-involved.
Such lovely people...
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VoR
Take it or leave it
OMG at Kim WHITE KNUCKLING sobriety to the point where she blatantly gets an entirely unnecessary nose job just for the painkillers
VoR
Take it or leave it
That whole Vegas episode really was top tier.
The return of evil Camille!
I love that despite being demoted she's probably had more screen time than Taylor and Kim COMBINED so far.
and of course...
Though I do think Yolanda responding by just SHUSHING HER is a very underrated reaction to that last one.
In fact, I very much enjoyed Yolanda in general being visibly BORED STIFF by the endless Malouf drama and counting the seconds until she could fly back home for another soiree with the Streisands.
Final thought for now, bit of a deep cut but every time 'Marisa' speaks I just think of this scene:
The return of evil Camille!
I love that despite being demoted she's probably had more screen time than Taylor and Kim COMBINED so far.
and of course...
Though I do think Yolanda responding by just SHUSHING HER is a very underrated reaction to that last one.
In fact, I very much enjoyed Yolanda in general being visibly BORED STIFF by the endless Malouf drama and counting the seconds until she could fly back home for another soiree with the Streisands.
Final thought for now, bit of a deep cut but every time 'Marisa' speaks I just think of this scene:
VoR
Take it or leave it
Getting through this season rather slowly, but cruising towards the finishline now...
S03 E13-16: Nose Reveal, White Party & Paris
Lisa Vanderpump
I'm beginning to sour a bit on Vanderpump as this season progresses. In the first two seasons she generally came off as camp, bitchy but ultimately a fairly kind and empathetic person at heart. However, more time with the group this season has exposed how petty and controlling she can be. Kyle may be no angel herself, but she really had the measure of Lisa with that chess line in the Season Two reunion, as evidenced by Vanderpump's absolute refusal to let it go. She doesn't want a partnership of equals from Kyle or Brandi, she just wants minions.
Kyle & Kim
You shouldn't laugh, but Kim blatantly hanging onto sobriety by a fingernail (if that!) through this season has really been tickling me in a dark sort of way. All that buildup for the ‘nose job’ and she blatantly looked exactly the same at the end of it! Her Kerry Katona-esque gurning on the Paris trip! The tasteless drama of Yolanda and Kyle worrying aloud about whether they were about to walk in on her DRUG ADDLED CORPSE when she was late for another group activity, followed by her spending the entire evening weeping her way through a blatant comedown!
And yet, on the rare moments when she's holding it together, we do get to see some intriguing new layers to Kim in these episodes. I think she's consistently a lot more honest and realistic about her actual relationship with Kyle, and seemingly approaches their sporadic attempts at reconciliation in much better faith. She was tough, wise and empathetic when calling Taylor out for her apparent slide into alcohol abuse.
Best of all, even during her season low-point in Paris, she instantly saw through Vanderpump's phony concern act and dispatched her with an efficiency the other women could only dream of. Theirs is definitely a dynamic I'd like to see more of - in a perverse sort of way, Kim's lack of concern for social niceties makes her the only member of the cast who Lisa has no real power over!
Adrienne vs Brandi feat. Yolanda
Ugh, this storyline is really starting to spin its wheels for me. The problem with Brandi is that she comes in so hot, but because she has no poker face or ability to strategise, she ends up showing her hand too early. She got under Adrienne's skin in glorious form at the start of this season, but sixteen episodes in, there's no sense that the conversation has moved on. Somebody (Camille, Mauricio, morally corrupt panther women Faye Resnick) will question why she's picking a fight with the Maloufs, she'll respond with vague accusations that she was treated poorly, and when pressed on it she'll start screaming, swearing and invoking her beloved children.
The two do finally have a couple of face to face confrontations at least, and while I don't doubt that Adrienne threw her weight around via the medium of expensive lawyers, it seems pretty obvious that Brandi exaggerated the level of legal threat she was facing. She's lucky she still has Lisa and Yolanda in her corner, the latter of whom racks up another classic moment with this immortal line.
Adrienne must have really pissed off the producers this season. How on earth do you recover from THAT?
There's not much else to say about Yolanda from these episodes, so I'll just throw in my other favourite moment, which happens to also be Brandi related.
Honestly, what a find this woman is.
Taylor
So yeah, Taylor's drama continues to largely play out offscreen, although a part of me suspects it's probably a lot more dark and disturbing than the camp feuding the rest of the girls are inflicting on each other this season so it's probably for the best. Hard to know what to make of the scene of her apparently jetting off with a new boyfriend while having no idea where her (recently fatherless) daughter is, but it's not a great look to say the least. She does take Kim's intervention quite well, though it's hard to tell if she's just happy for the airtime. Oh Taylor, I do worry about you...
I'd also just like to point out my new favourite tragic side character in the absence of sad sack Dede - Taylor's gay acolyte Dwight. He's really minor, but he seems to constantly in the background during party scenes voicing his opinions VERY LOUDLY in a desperate attempt to get some airtime.
Speaking of Betas, Marisa(?) continues to make no impact whatsoever, but I did laugh at the small moment where she tearfully calls Kyle (who, per her introduction to the show, is a close personal friend) to break the news of her Father in Law's sudden death and Kyle looks at her phone and goes "Oh, it's an unknown number"
S03 E13-16: Nose Reveal, White Party & Paris
Lisa Vanderpump
I'm beginning to sour a bit on Vanderpump as this season progresses. In the first two seasons she generally came off as camp, bitchy but ultimately a fairly kind and empathetic person at heart. However, more time with the group this season has exposed how petty and controlling she can be. Kyle may be no angel herself, but she really had the measure of Lisa with that chess line in the Season Two reunion, as evidenced by Vanderpump's absolute refusal to let it go. She doesn't want a partnership of equals from Kyle or Brandi, she just wants minions.
Kyle & Kim
You shouldn't laugh, but Kim blatantly hanging onto sobriety by a fingernail (if that!) through this season has really been tickling me in a dark sort of way.
All that buildup for the ‘nose job’ and she blatantly looked exactly the same at the end of it! Her Kerry Katona-esque gurning on the Paris trip! The tasteless drama of Yolanda and Kyle worrying aloud about whether they were about to walk in on her DRUG ADDLED CORPSE when she was late for another group activity, followed by her spending the entire evening weeping her way through a blatant comedown!And yet, on the rare moments when she's holding it together, we do get to see some intriguing new layers to Kim in these episodes. I think she's consistently a lot more honest and realistic about her actual relationship with Kyle, and seemingly approaches their sporadic attempts at reconciliation in much better faith. She was tough, wise and empathetic when calling Taylor out for her apparent slide into alcohol abuse.
Best of all, even during her season low-point in Paris, she instantly saw through Vanderpump's phony concern act and dispatched her with an efficiency the other women could only dream of. Theirs is definitely a dynamic I'd like to see more of - in a perverse sort of way, Kim's lack of concern for social niceties makes her the only member of the cast who Lisa has no real power over!
Adrienne vs Brandi feat. Yolanda
Ugh, this storyline is really starting to spin its wheels for me. The problem with Brandi is that she comes in so hot, but because she has no poker face or ability to strategise, she ends up showing her hand too early. She got under Adrienne's skin in glorious form at the start of this season, but sixteen episodes in, there's no sense that the conversation has moved on. Somebody (Camille, Mauricio, morally corrupt panther women Faye Resnick) will question why she's picking a fight with the Maloufs, she'll respond with vague accusations that she was treated poorly, and when pressed on it she'll start screaming, swearing and invoking her beloved children.
The two do finally have a couple of face to face confrontations at least, and while I don't doubt that Adrienne threw her weight around via the medium of expensive lawyers, it seems pretty obvious that Brandi exaggerated the level of legal threat she was facing. She's lucky she still has Lisa and Yolanda in her corner, the latter of whom racks up another classic moment with this immortal line.
Adrienne must have really pissed off the producers this season. How on earth do you recover from THAT?
There's not much else to say about Yolanda from these episodes, so I'll just throw in my other favourite moment, which happens to also be Brandi related.
Honestly, what a find this woman is.
Taylor
So yeah, Taylor's drama continues to largely play out offscreen, although a part of me suspects it's probably a lot more dark and disturbing than the camp feuding the rest of the girls are inflicting on each other this season so it's probably for the best. Hard to know what to make of the scene of her apparently jetting off with a new boyfriend while having no idea where her (recently fatherless) daughter is, but it's not a great look to say the least. She does take Kim's intervention quite well, though it's hard to tell if she's just happy for the airtime. Oh Taylor, I do worry about you...
I'd also just like to point out my new favourite tragic side character in the absence of sad sack Dede - Taylor's gay acolyte Dwight.
He's really minor, but he seems to constantly in the background during party scenes voicing his opinions VERY LOUDLY in a desperate attempt to get some airtime.Speaking of Betas, Marisa(?) continues to make no impact whatsoever, but I did laugh at the small moment where she tearfully calls Kyle (who, per her introduction to the show, is a close personal friend) to break the news of her Father in Law's sudden death and Kyle looks at her phone and goes "Oh, it's an unknown number"
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VoR
Take it or leave it
People who view friendship in terms of absolute, unquestioning loyalty rather than honesty and shared personal growth are such a red flag.
She’s a fascinating case study in that type of person though, because she *performs* friendship incredibly well.
VoR
Take it or leave it
Holy shit at the return of Dana/Pam!
VoR
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When TAYLOR ARMSTRONG is looking at you with pity!
VoR
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Love the reveal that the inciting incident of Lisa’s epic grudge against Adrienne was the time she left fake tan stains all over her white sofa.
You really can’t buy class.
You really can’t buy class.
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VoR
Take it or leave it
Holy shit at the utter humiliation of Adrienne Malouf in that final! Absolutely brutal
I guess when you come for the queen, you better not miss!
Whew! Where to begin...
The last two episodes are built around two highly contrasting parties. At the first, Adrienne launches her vodka line with an impossibly tacky soiree which proves the final death knell for her marriage. It is hard to overstate just how FOUL this party setup is - it genuinely looks like something Kendall Roy would throw together during a particularly cringe episode of Succession. Naturally, queen Camille can barely contain her palpable disgust as she sashays in
Spare a thought also for these POOR models, who clearly came to LA with big dreams of Hollywood stardom and instead somehow found themselves doing THIS.
Anyway, the party is also notable for Beta Marisa making a last desperate bid for relevance with the reveal that Brandi may or may not have propositioned her for a three-way. In more qualified hands, this might have been fairly explosive, but even with Brandi herself uninvited from Adrienne's hellish jamboree, Marisa finds herself on the wrong side of the terrifying Yolanda Foster and instantly collapses like a deck of cards.
This alpha-dog body language
Anyway, Marisa remains strictly an afterthought despite this pitiful effort, but the threesome reveal does have repercussions at the main event of the season finale, Lisa and Ken's wedding vow renewal. Brandi is obviously in attendance on this one, and having been fully briefed by Yolanda, the stage is set for a showdown. Except, once again Marisa immediately descends into a babbling mess. Thankfully there's a backup fighter waiting in the wings...
Oh God, this exchange! Faye certainly has more chutzpah than Marisa, but beyond that she makes an utter, delicious fool of herself here, stumbling over the above, clearly pre-scripted takedown to Brandi's visible amusement, and being so generally belligerent and high handed that even Marisa, who she had ostensibly stepped in to defend - more or less tells her to fuck off.
My favourite part of this whole exchange though is, once again, Camille watching from the sidelines with everything but an open bag of popcorn.
Give that woman a promotion in Season Four, for fucks sake!
Anyway Faye flames out spectacularly not once but TWICE, stumbling straight from her mortifying attempted fly-by on Brandi to a frosty exchange with Capo Vanderpump, who accuses her of being Kyle's mouth-piece.
Somewhere in the midst of all this, the news breaks that Adrienne and Paul, have separated. This of course leads to the operatic conclusion of the episode, as a tearful Adrienne staggers into the party and sobs about how her life has completely gone to shit, while a radiantly beautiful Lisa completely ignores her and glides out to renew her own vows with mega-rich, dotingly obedient husband Ken.
It could only have been more of an abject humiliation if she'd been fired from the show onscreen immediately afterwards.
So farewell Adrienne. For the most part you were a dour, nouveau riche bore, but as reality TV flame-outs go, that really was one for the ages.
Final Season 3 Power rankings
1. Lisa Vanderpump - From likable quip-machine to cold blooded assassin in about three episodes. That, ladies and gentlemen is how you enter your villain era.
2. Camille Grammer - Look I don't care. She did more this season than Taylor or Kim and I will be agog if she's never back as full cast. An evil icon!
3. Yolanda Foster - I was skeptical at first but what a find! A malevolently insane DEMON disguised as a prim Dutch woman with retrograde ideas about gender roles. Long may she terrorise!
4. Brandi Glanville - Solid first season on main, but she's very hit or miss in an argument and I suspect she lacks the true intellect to stay on top for long.
5. Kyle Richards - Mostly sat on the fence this season, but now that Adrienne's been dispatched, Lisa and Brandi are going to need a new adversary...
6. Kim Richards - Poor Kim. She was mostly a nonentity this season until the late run of episodes of her WHITE KNUCKLING sobriety which I enjoyed far more than I should have.
7. Taylor Armstrong - a deeply strange individual. I can't rank her any higher because aside from being a messy drunk and briefly forgetting she had a daughter, she didn't do much this season. But I do still feel a strange degree of affection for her and hope her life got better after this.
8. Adrienne Maloof - I mean Jesus Christ, even RUSSELL got a more dignified exit than that!
I guess when you come for the queen, you better not miss!
Whew! Where to begin...
The last two episodes are built around two highly contrasting parties. At the first, Adrienne launches her vodka line with an impossibly tacky soiree which proves the final death knell for her marriage. It is hard to overstate just how FOUL this party setup is - it genuinely looks like something Kendall Roy would throw together during a particularly cringe episode of Succession. Naturally, queen Camille can barely contain her palpable disgust as she sashays in
Spare a thought also for these POOR models, who clearly came to LA with big dreams of Hollywood stardom and instead somehow found themselves doing THIS.
Anyway, the party is also notable for Beta Marisa making a last desperate bid for relevance with the reveal that Brandi may or may not have propositioned her for a three-way. In more qualified hands, this might have been fairly explosive, but even with Brandi herself uninvited from Adrienne's hellish jamboree, Marisa finds herself on the wrong side of the terrifying Yolanda Foster and instantly collapses like a deck of cards.
This alpha-dog body language
Anyway, Marisa remains strictly an afterthought despite this pitiful effort, but the threesome reveal does have repercussions at the main event of the season finale, Lisa and Ken's wedding vow renewal. Brandi is obviously in attendance on this one, and having been fully briefed by Yolanda, the stage is set for a showdown. Except, once again Marisa immediately descends into a babbling mess. Thankfully there's a backup fighter waiting in the wings...
Oh God, this exchange! Faye certainly has more chutzpah than Marisa, but beyond that she makes an utter, delicious fool of herself here, stumbling over the above, clearly pre-scripted takedown to Brandi's visible amusement, and being so generally belligerent and high handed that even Marisa, who she had ostensibly stepped in to defend - more or less tells her to fuck off.
My favourite part of this whole exchange though is, once again, Camille watching from the sidelines with everything but an open bag of popcorn.
Give that woman a promotion in Season Four, for fucks sake!
Anyway Faye flames out spectacularly not once but TWICE, stumbling straight from her mortifying attempted fly-by on Brandi to a frosty exchange with Capo Vanderpump, who accuses her of being Kyle's mouth-piece.
Somewhere in the midst of all this, the news breaks that Adrienne and Paul, have separated. This of course leads to the operatic conclusion of the episode, as a tearful Adrienne staggers into the party and sobs about how her life has completely gone to shit, while a radiantly beautiful Lisa completely ignores her and glides out to renew her own vows with mega-rich, dotingly obedient husband Ken.
It could only have been more of an abject humiliation if she'd been fired from the show onscreen immediately afterwards.
So farewell Adrienne. For the most part you were a dour, nouveau riche bore, but as reality TV flame-outs go, that really was one for the ages.
Final Season 3 Power rankings
1. Lisa Vanderpump - From likable quip-machine to cold blooded assassin in about three episodes. That, ladies and gentlemen is how you enter your villain era.
2. Camille Grammer - Look I don't care. She did more this season than Taylor or Kim and I will be agog if she's never back as full cast. An evil icon!
3. Yolanda Foster - I was skeptical at first but what a find! A malevolently insane DEMON disguised as a prim Dutch woman with retrograde ideas about gender roles. Long may she terrorise!
4. Brandi Glanville - Solid first season on main, but she's very hit or miss in an argument and I suspect she lacks the true intellect to stay on top for long.
5. Kyle Richards - Mostly sat on the fence this season, but now that Adrienne's been dispatched, Lisa and Brandi are going to need a new adversary...
6. Kim Richards - Poor Kim. She was mostly a nonentity this season until the late run of episodes of her WHITE KNUCKLING sobriety which I enjoyed far more than I should have.
7. Taylor Armstrong - a deeply strange individual. I can't rank her any higher because aside from being a messy drunk and briefly forgetting she had a daughter, she didn't do much this season. But I do still feel a strange degree of affection for her and hope her life got better after this.
8. Adrienne Maloof - I mean Jesus Christ, even RUSSELL got a more dignified exit than that!
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VoR
Take it or leave it
Right, I'm going to try to accelerate my pace a little bit.
Season Four Episode One: A Catered Affair To Remember
It's a new season, and seemingly the cast has had a bit of an overhaul. In addition to Adrienne's mortifying exit, Taylor is also GONE. Probably for the best, but I hope she still pops up from time to time. She and Kyle are as close as sisters, after all.
Bafflingly, Camille has also not been promoted back to main. Less bafflingly, the terminally rubbish Marisa did not follow Brandi's trajectory from Friend Of to main, and I won't be surprised if she's never seen or spoken of again. What a flop!
All of which means we have room for two new players to be awkwardly crowbarred into the group. I don't recall ever seeing either of them mentioned here before, so I'm not holding out a great deal of hope.
Joyce Giraud - Spicy latina former model married to some fat German movie producer. Her episode debut centred entirely around her fabulous hair, so it's hard to get much of a read on her, but presumably her youth and beauty will cause some friction. I predict that Kyle and Brandi will detest her and Lisa will try to recruit her out of sheer spite.
Carlton Gebbia - Looking like the portrait of a desiccated corpse that presumably hangs in Lisa Vanderpump's attic, this one comes in hot claiming to be a WITCH. She has three children with ludicrous names and apparently has no sense of humour about this. She already seems to have a hate boner for Kyle. Definitely the more promising of the newbies.
New season also means new taglines! Though to be honest, not a golden season in this regard.
Kyle - I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake.
I'm sensing a PATTERN with these.
Yolanda - DON'T tell me you're my friend. ACT like one!
I do love Yolanda's dour and humourless taglines.
Brandi - In Beverley Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall
Like last season, hard to tell whether Brandi's reading the others or HERSELF with this one, but either way it's not very inspired.
Kim - Everyone loves a comeback story, ESPECIALLY one starring me
The clear winner of a tepid bunch. Also, why is she holding an @Iguana ?!
Carlton - In my world, money doesn't talk. It swears.
I genuinely have no idea what this means.
Joyce - You can never be too young, too thin, or too honest
How crap! NEXT!
Lisa - Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead
Oh right, because she's on Dancing With the Stars this season. Disappointing by LVP standards.
PLOTS!
It doesn't bode well that a good third of this episode is taken up with Vanderpump Rules cast members being obnoxious. I don't care!
That said, after her chilling triumph at the end of Season Three, Lisa is at the height of her powers and clearly aware of it, and spends this entire episode being an absolute, grade-A cunt to Kyle. It's delightful.
My favourite part is when she makes a joke about the press rumours about Mauricio cheating on Kyle in front of Mauricio AND their infant daughter.
Kyle is also still on the outs with Yolanda following a fall-out at the Season 3 reunion. Yolanda has also sadly been stricken by LYME DISEASE which I gather is going to be a recurring plot point.
Kim is having trouble with her pitbull, because of course Kim would be a terrible dog owner who neglected to do any proper training.
Brandi has an uncharacteristically quiet episode. She has a boyfriend and she's buying a new mansion. Fortunately the season preview at the end of the episode hints at a rivalry with Joyce (duh!) and more intriguingly, a fallout with LVP. Called it!
Not the most eventful premier, but it moved the chess pieces a bit. Is this considered a bit of an off-season? Joyce stinks of FLOP but Carlton has some promise. I shall persevere anyhow and hopefully get this one done in less than four months.
Season Four Episode One: A Catered Affair To Remember
It's a new season, and seemingly the cast has had a bit of an overhaul. In addition to Adrienne's mortifying exit, Taylor is also GONE. Probably for the best, but I hope she still pops up from time to time. She and Kyle are as close as sisters, after all.
Bafflingly, Camille has also not been promoted back to main. Less bafflingly, the terminally rubbish Marisa did not follow Brandi's trajectory from Friend Of to main, and I won't be surprised if she's never seen or spoken of again. What a flop!
All of which means we have room for two new players to be awkwardly crowbarred into the group. I don't recall ever seeing either of them mentioned here before, so I'm not holding out a great deal of hope.
Joyce Giraud - Spicy latina former model married to some fat German movie producer. Her episode debut centred entirely around her fabulous hair, so it's hard to get much of a read on her, but presumably her youth and beauty will cause some friction. I predict that Kyle and Brandi will detest her and Lisa will try to recruit her out of sheer spite.
Carlton Gebbia - Looking like the portrait of a desiccated corpse that presumably hangs in Lisa Vanderpump's attic, this one comes in hot claiming to be a WITCH
. She has three children with ludicrous names and apparently has no sense of humour about this. She already seems to have a hate boner for Kyle. Definitely the more promising of the newbies.New season also means new taglines! Though to be honest, not a golden season in this regard.
Kyle - I'm from this town. I know what's real and what's fake.
I'm sensing a PATTERN with these.
Yolanda - DON'T tell me you're my friend. ACT like one!
I do love Yolanda's dour and humourless taglines.
Brandi - In Beverley Hills, the higher you climb, the farther you fall
Like last season, hard to tell whether Brandi's reading the others or HERSELF with this one, but either way it's not very inspired.
Kim - Everyone loves a comeback story, ESPECIALLY one starring me
The clear winner of a tepid bunch. Also, why is she holding an @Iguana ?!
Carlton - In my world, money doesn't talk. It swears.
I genuinely have no idea what this means.
Joyce - You can never be too young, too thin, or too honest
How crap! NEXT!
Lisa - Life is a sexy little dance and I like to take the lead
Oh right, because she's on Dancing With the Stars this season. Disappointing by LVP standards.
PLOTS!
It doesn't bode well that a good third of this episode is taken up with Vanderpump Rules cast members being obnoxious. I don't care!
That said, after her chilling triumph at the end of Season Three, Lisa is at the height of her powers and clearly aware of it, and spends this entire episode being an absolute, grade-A cunt to Kyle. It's delightful.
My favourite part is when she makes a joke about the press rumours about Mauricio cheating on Kyle in front of Mauricio AND their infant daughter.
Kyle is also still on the outs with Yolanda following a fall-out at the Season 3 reunion. Yolanda has also sadly been stricken by LYME DISEASE which I gather is going to be a recurring plot point.
Kim is having trouble with her pitbull, because of course Kim would be a terrible dog owner who neglected to do any proper training.
Brandi has an uncharacteristically quiet episode. She has a boyfriend and she's buying a new mansion. Fortunately the season preview at the end of the episode hints at a rivalry with Joyce (duh!) and more intriguingly, a fallout with LVP. Called it!
Not the most eventful premier, but it moved the chess pieces a bit. Is this considered a bit of an off-season? Joyce stinks of FLOP but Carlton has some promise. I shall persevere anyhow and hopefully get this one done in less than four months.
Suomi
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- Joined
- Jun 16, 2004
- Messages
- 53,417
So word of warning with season 4 - I think this is very much a season that you could pluck out of the timeline and it would have no real bearing to what came before or after it, and in honour of one of the new housewives my analogy for this is that its the Halloween 3: Season of the Witch of the series. HOWEVER, much like Halloween 3 there’s a lot of fun to be had here if you just adjust your expectations slightly.
If seasons 1-3 were the grenades being launched, then season 4 is the chaotic scrambling to affirm allegiances and enemies before the all-out war of (my personal favourite season) season 5
Carlton has such high camp value - one talking head line she does to camera is possibly my favourite of the entire show, see if you can spot it - but I think tonally the other women didn't really know what to make of her. If you still hate Kyle, then Carlton is gonna be your gal for the next 20 episodes. Carlton picks up the supernatural baton from the iconic one-episode-and-done psychic Allison Dubois and gives Kyle what for
I think it’s only in 2023 that Carlton gets the respect she deserves for being such a unique and iconic housewife.
In fairness to Joyce, I recently listened to an interview with her and she is still mortified by this, mainly because they had forced her to say it and then assured her they wouldn’t actually use it.
If seasons 1-3 were the grenades being launched, then season 4 is the chaotic scrambling to affirm allegiances and enemies before the all-out war of (my personal favourite season) season 5
Carlton has such high camp value - one talking head line she does to camera is possibly my favourite of the entire show, see if you can spot it
- but I think tonally the other women didn't really know what to make of her. If you still hate Kyle, then Carlton is gonna be your gal for the next 20 episodes. Carlton picks up the supernatural baton from the iconic one-episode-and-done psychic Allison Dubois and gives Kyle what for I think it’s only in 2023 that Carlton gets the respect she deserves for being such a unique and iconic housewife.
Joyce - You can never be too young, too thin, or too honest
In fairness to Joyce, I recently listened to an interview with her and she is still mortified by this, mainly because they had forced her to say it and then assured her they wouldn’t actually use it.
supermassive
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- Jun 20, 2006
- Messages
- 2,657
Wait didn't Carlton once say something like "I would never use black magic..not knowingly again anyway" Bring her back!
Bring her back!
Suomi
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- Joined
- Jun 16, 2004
- Messages
- 53,417
THIS is the line I was referring toWait didn't Carlton once say something like "I would never use black magic..not knowingly again anyway"
VoR
Take it or leave it
Sorry but two episodes in and I am OBSESSED with Carlton.
The moment where she's telling some boring non-story about her son being traumatised by a BLACK CAT, and Kyle literally just gets up and leaves the table while she's mid-sentence.
Her horrified reaction to Kyle's friend killing a BEE.
"My daughter only ever swore once. She was looking in the mirror and she said 'Mummy, do I fucking rock?' and I replied 'No honey, you look fucking beautiful
"
Other highlights:
Yolanda declaring that in order to recover from her debilitating Lyme disease, she simply must go on another LEMON CLEANSE, and trying to bully her poor maid into joining her.
"You lost 18lbs last time!"
*Maid's eyes dart nervously towards the door*
The sheer campery of Lisa's Dancing With The Stars FAKE FAINT and the Richards' sisters reactions.
Did not enjoy the dog training scene though. Very uncomfortable. Kim really should have gotten a King Charles Spaniel or something, not a fucking Pitbull.
The moment where she's telling some boring non-story about her son being traumatised by a BLACK CAT, and Kyle literally just gets up and leaves the table while she's mid-sentence.
Her horrified reaction to Kyle's friend killing a BEE.
"My daughter only ever swore once. She was looking in the mirror and she said 'Mummy, do I fucking rock?' and I replied 'No honey, you look fucking beautiful
"Other highlights:
Yolanda declaring that in order to recover from her debilitating Lyme disease, she simply must go on another LEMON CLEANSE, and trying to bully her poor maid into joining her.
"You lost 18lbs last time!"
*Maid's eyes dart nervously towards the door*
The sheer campery of Lisa's Dancing With The Stars FAKE FAINT and the Richards' sisters reactions.
Did not enjoy the dog training scene though. Very uncomfortable. Kim really should have gotten a King Charles Spaniel or something, not a fucking Pitbull.
VoR
Take it or leave it
Oh God, is it going to maim somebody?
Hope it's Kyle
Hope it's Kyle
VoR
Take it or leave it
S04 E03: Life's a Witch
Carlton, Mistress of the Dark
Holy hell at the STATE of Carlton's mansion. The tacky crosses, the dolls, the ludicrously enormous bed. I'm so sad there's no Camille so far this season, she would have had a field day.
Not sure what to make of the weirdly performative sexual tension with her apparently much younger nanny.
Speaking of, I'm sorry but this is not a real name:
The way she reacts to every word out of Kyle's mouth with an 'I will fuck you up' death glare is absolutely sending me.
Kyle - eyeing the elaborate crucifixes in literally every available corner of the room.
"So, um... were you raised Catholic?"
She also seems to have a penchant for WEIRD MIND GAMES, such as leading the group to her extravagant dining table featuring one comically oversized throne, and then loudly declaring that she detests being the head of a table. I dig it. Good episode for Carlton!
Yolanda
Yolanda, every time she encounters an obvious lunatic
My other Yolanda highlight this episode involved her having some kind of bloodletting treatment from a 'holistic nurse' followed by a tearful empty nest conversation with daughter Gigi while eating the pulp of a lemon with a fork.
No wonder you're constantly feeling weak, Yolanda!
Lisa
They totally thought Lisa's Dancing With The Stars adventures were going to be a season-long arc, didn't they? Cackling that she clearly made zero effort and got kicked off after two weeks. You can tell the producers are pissed too, because faint-gate becomes the other major plot point of the episode, and the first crack in her alliance with Brandi.
Kim
Carlton, Mistress of the Dark
Holy hell at the STATE of Carlton's mansion.
The tacky crosses, the dolls, the ludicrously enormous bed. I'm so sad there's no Camille so far this season, she would have had a field day.Not sure what to make of the weirdly performative sexual tension with her apparently much younger nanny.
Speaking of, I'm sorry but this is not a real name:
The way she reacts to every word out of Kyle's mouth with an 'I will fuck you up' death glare is absolutely sending me.
Kyle - eyeing the elaborate crucifixes in literally every available corner of the room.
"So, um... were you raised Catholic?"
She also seems to have a penchant for WEIRD MIND GAMES, such as leading the group to her extravagant dining table featuring one comically oversized throne, and then loudly declaring that she detests being the head of a table. I dig it. Good episode for Carlton!
Yolanda
Yolanda, every time she encounters an obvious lunatic
My other Yolanda highlight this episode involved her having some kind of bloodletting treatment from a 'holistic nurse' followed by a tearful empty nest conversation with daughter Gigi while eating the pulp of a lemon with a fork.
No wonder you're constantly feeling weak, Yolanda!Lisa
They totally thought Lisa's Dancing With The Stars adventures were going to be a season-long arc, didn't they? Cackling that she clearly made zero effort and got kicked off after two weeks.
You can tell the producers are pissed too, because faint-gate becomes the other major plot point of the episode, and the first crack in her alliance with Brandi.Kim
VoR
Take it or leave it
Season 4: Episodes 4 & 5
Not much to say about these two episodes as they were both fairly dull.
In Episode 4, Kim organises a circus skills day for the ladies. This is a promising enough set-up, but unfortunately it's 95% just raking over old grievances in between half-arsed aerial silk routines.
The main conflict is that Brandi is mad at Kyle for leaking stories about her being a bully to the press, which quickly devolves into yet more of the squawking about 'MY CHILDREN!!!!' that got so tiresome during her feud with Adrienne last season. Unfortunately it's about 80% of this episode.
Bland newcomer Joyce also makes a transparent attempt to insert herself into some drama by blowing a tiny moment of dismissiveness from LVP completely out of proportion. Even Lisa can barely be bothered to dignify it with any kind of response, but it does at least hint at some cracks in the Lisa/Brandi alliance when Joyce lets slip that Brandi advised her about Lisa's inability to take what she dishes out.
CARLTON WATCH
The whole lesbian fauxmance between Brandi and Carlton feels contrived even for this format, but their shopping trip did at least give us the disturbing visual of Bag o'bones Carlton trussed up like a stripper on a hen night in Blackpool.
Episode 5 was a particular low point, with the women barely interacting as we focused instead on their relationships with their familiezzzzzzzz.
Yolanda - Gets a visit from her mother and brother who seem like nice, normal Dutch people who eat carbs and will not let her talk them into trying the master cleanse.
Lisa - Pandora and her husband want to move to New York. Lisa isn't happy about this and is presumably already making behind-the-scenes moves to destroy her son in law's fledgling career.
Kim - Kim's daughter is having a graduation. She wants to go dressed like a slut, Kim wants her to go dressed as a 13th century war widow. They split the difference and she goes dressed like Britney Spears in the Sometimes video.
The graduation also gifts us with a brief scene of Kathy Hilton, who sashays in radiating cunty rich lady in a leopard print muumuu and about 50lbs of jewellery, and immediately sets about to negging both of her younger siblings. Honestly? Highlight of the episode.
Back in Yolanda-world, her increasingly repulsive husband is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, in a ceremony attended by such luminaries as a pre-deceased Natalie Cole, sentient wig Carole Bayer Sager and actual legend Stevie Wonder, who is the subject of a truly shocking run of 'LOL HE'S BLIND' jokes. Yolanda smugly declares that Stevie has just finished up recording an album with her husband that the whole world is soon going to hear.
CARLTON WATCH
Another Carlton-light episode, although in lieu of any family scenes we're treated to the entirely sane and not at all ethically questionable spectacle of her taking her beloved familiar Midnight ( ) in for a spot of feline acupuncture.
I hate cats, and even I felt sorry for this poor animal.
"Does acupuncture work for cats the same way it works for humans?"
"Yes, yes it does"
I actually don't doubt that for a moment.
Not much to say about these two episodes as they were both fairly dull.
In Episode 4, Kim organises a circus skills day for the ladies. This is a promising enough set-up, but unfortunately it's 95% just raking over old grievances in between half-arsed aerial silk routines.
The main conflict is that Brandi is mad at Kyle for leaking stories about her being a bully to the press, which quickly devolves into yet more of the squawking about 'MY CHILDREN!!!!' that got so tiresome during her feud with Adrienne last season. Unfortunately it's about 80% of this episode.
Bland newcomer Joyce also makes a transparent attempt to insert herself into some drama by blowing a tiny moment of dismissiveness from LVP completely out of proportion. Even Lisa can barely be bothered to dignify it with any kind of response, but it does at least hint at some cracks in the Lisa/Brandi alliance when Joyce lets slip that Brandi advised her about Lisa's inability to take what she dishes out.
CARLTON WATCH
The whole lesbian fauxmance between Brandi and Carlton feels contrived even for this format, but their shopping trip did at least give us the disturbing visual of Bag o'bones Carlton trussed up like a stripper on a hen night in Blackpool.
Episode 5 was a particular low point, with the women barely interacting as we focused instead on their relationships with their familiezzzzzzzz.
Yolanda - Gets a visit from her mother and brother who seem like nice, normal Dutch people who eat carbs and will not let her talk them into trying the master cleanse.
Lisa - Pandora and her husband want to move to New York. Lisa isn't happy about this and is presumably already making behind-the-scenes moves to destroy her son in law's fledgling career.
Kim - Kim's daughter is having a graduation. She wants to go dressed like a slut, Kim wants her to go dressed as a 13th century war widow. They split the difference and she goes dressed like Britney Spears in the Sometimes video.
The graduation also gifts us with a brief scene of Kathy Hilton, who sashays in radiating cunty rich lady in a leopard print muumuu and about 50lbs of jewellery, and immediately sets about to negging both of her younger siblings. Honestly? Highlight of the episode.
Back in Yolanda-world, her increasingly repulsive husband is getting a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, in a ceremony attended by such luminaries as a pre-deceased Natalie Cole, sentient wig Carole Bayer Sager and actual legend Stevie Wonder, who is the subject of a truly shocking run of 'LOL HE'S BLIND' jokes. Yolanda smugly declares that Stevie has just finished up recording an album with her husband that the whole world is soon going to hear.
CARLTON WATCH
Another Carlton-light episode, although in lieu of any family scenes we're treated to the entirely sane and not at all ethically questionable spectacle of her taking her beloved familiar Midnight (
) in for a spot of feline acupuncture.I hate cats, and even I felt sorry for this poor animal.
"Does acupuncture work for cats the same way it works for humans?"
"Yes, yes it does"
I actually don't doubt that for a moment.
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Tisch
Spare potatoes
This made me laugh
I've just finished S7 and it seems she turns up to every party just to do NOTHING. I don't think we've ever seen so much, and yet so little of a Friend Of. Please tell me she remedies this in later seasons? I need Chaotic word of the day spilling Camille back.
Music
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- Apr 30, 2004
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- 4,056
Oh just wait for S9 she comes back chaotic and messy as!