ButterTart's Christmas Horror Film Countdown

47. Once Upon a Time at Christmas (2017)
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A murderous couple embark on a killing spree in the town of Woodridge. It’s up to a rabble of FBI agents and local police to figure out the unbelievably obvious pattern to the slayings.

The first film to feature Simon Phillips and Sayla de Goede as Mr and Mrs Claus (The sequel The Nights Before Christmas has already appeared on this list), and neither of them are any less irritating here than they are in the follow up. I enjoy this movie more for the premise than the execution, but the ineptitude of every local and federal agent is genuinely astounding. I present, without comment, the full list of crimes committed in Once Upon a Time at Christmas. See if you can figure out the M.O

1. A man with the surname Partridge is murdered while eating a pear
2. Two necking teens are murdered at Turtle Dove Point
3. A family of three called The Frenchens are killed
4. Four women are killed at a bar. A British pathologist is shoehorned into the film just to introduce the slang term ‘birds’
5. Five FBI agents are murdered and have their ring fingers removed
6. Six geese are killed at a local farm (Condolences to the geese both Sexual and Asexual for their loss)
7. A girl with the surname ‘Swan’ is killed while swimming
8. Eight milking machines are destroyed at the farm
9. Nine exotic dancers are killed at a strip club
10. Ten influential local men are killed on a stag do
11. Plumbers from a company called ‘Pipes Are Calling’ are murdered
12. A massacre at an event called ‘drum fest’

It takes law enforcement TEN DAYS to establish the link between these incidents :D

The acting is crap, the gore effects are largely digital and the characters speak as if the script was written during a game of Boggle. I love it and I want us to be friends forever.

Best bit: The couple at Turtle Dove Point are burned to death in their car. Honourable mention goes to the scene where the sheriff finally works out the pattern, which hinges on DNA testing proving that the apple Partridge was eating was actually a pear (This is genuinely what happens :D )

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch:
 
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46. Good Tidings (2016)
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A trio of escaped criminals lay siege to a community of homeless people squatting in a derelict government building on Christmas day.

I have so much goodwill towards this one. Made on a micro-budget, in Liverpool, with comprised entirely of local actors, this is exactly the sort of thing I want to see coming out of the UK indie horror scene. It lags in places and doesn’t really justify a 90-minute running time, but it’s a solid, ambitious slasher which puts a lot of higher budget efforts to shame. While it takes some getting past the meanness of homeless people being savagely murdered on Christmas (‘Why are you doing this to us? We just wanted to get out of the cold.’ Asks one woman), the characters are strong, loyal and courageous, and there’s a tangible sense of community and kinship among them. They grieve for dead friends and put themselves in danger to protect one another, which makes them easy to root for. The gore effects are surprisingly solid and the grey, washed out weather is accurate for the British Christmas setting.

Best bit: Poor, lovely May (Emma Hind) is tied up, tormented and has a pipe driven through her skull. It’s cruel but very affecting.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch:
 
45. While She Was Out (2008)
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On her way back from some last-minute Christmas shopping, downtrodden wife Della (Kim Basinger) is targeted by a gang of murderous thugs.

Kim Basinger is on fine form here as a harried housewife contending with an absolute shitpig of a husband and, in amongst all of the twinkling lights and gaudy decorations of the shopping mall she visits, the film manages to convey the bleakness of her situation splendidly. She’s also an absolute brute of a final girl, which is both a curse and a blessing here. Armed with a toolbox and a survival instinct bordering on murderous, she’s spectacular in taking down her pursuers. It’s just a shame that said pursuers are such a collection of limp cabbage leaves that she never genuinely feels like she’s in much danger. Jug-eared everyman Lukas Haas is a bizarre choice to play their leader and feels like he's chasing Della down to give her a hug, not slaughter her. Most of the action here takes place on a desolate building site and in the surrounding woodland and makes a brilliant location for a chase movie. I really, really enjoy this but I wish the dynamic between Della and the gang was more cat-and-mouse than steamroller-and -immobilised-pheasant.

Best bit: Every kill Della achieves is brilliant, as is the gang’s realisation of exactly what they’re up against. It’s her take down of Tomás (Luis Chávez) which is the most brutal, smashing him repeatedly with a tyre iron (I mean, she batters him) then stabbing him in the mouth with it, complete with horribly squelchy sound effects.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
44. Lake Alice (2018)
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A family gets together for Christmas at their lake house. Daughter Sarah (Caroline Tudor) introduces her boyfriend Ryan (Brad Schmidt) to her old haunts, while a pesky serial killer threatens to ruin their cosy Christmas.

This one starts off like a Lifetime Christmas movie; glossy, pretty, featuring a cast of idealised characters. Even the plot involving a woman going back to her roots and reconnecting with old flames feels like it’s been ripped straight from Interminably Festive Romantic Comedy 2. In all honesty, it takes so long to get to the horror part that it almost feels shoehorned in to fulfil a contractual obligation. When it kicks in, mind, it’s sufficiently grisly while maintaining that Christmas 24 sheen of the first act. The tonal shift is the film’s greatest strength and, while uneven and never quite living up to the subverted rom-com potential teased by the first half, it’s unassuming and entertaining, with a brief runtime which means it doesn’t have chance to outstay its welcome. I would LOVE to see an all-out horror spoof of those cheesy Christmas films, but I’m happy to settle for this in the meantime.

Best bit: Hank (Michael Shamus Wiles), the foul mouthed local sheriff who’s been at odds with the cheeriness of the film throughout, is tied up and burned alive. His bravado turning to whimpering pleas for mercy is unsettling and lends the killers a menace they perhaps hadn’t earned through their actions.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
While She Was Out is ICONIC.

I bought it ex-rental from Blockbuster :emoji_older_man: And it’s become a firm favourite ever since.
 
43. Mercy Christmas (2017)
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Chunky oddball Michael Briskett (Steven Hubbell) is invited by a beautiful co-worker to spend Christmas day with her family, who turn out to be a bunch of murderous cannibals with several other captives locked in their basement.

Now this is a funny little goose of a film. I bought it last year with absolutely zero expectations and it’s now becoming a bit of a festive staple. Briskett is a sympathetic – if a bit simpering – protagonist and his harsh treatment by the family is uncomfortable even if, for the most part, played for laughs. Among Briskett’s tormentors is his dickhead boss Andy (Cole Gleason), who ties him up with fairy lights which periodically electrocute him. Andy only needs him alive long enough to complete some reports he can’t be bothered to do himself. The family are twee, chipper parodies of the sort of Christmas obsessive units found in made-for-TV festive films, and the tonal shift between their scenes and the graphic torture of their captives is jarring and disrupts the overall flow. I’d definitely recommend giving this a watch – it’s far from perfect but affable fun nonetheless.

Best bit: The final smackdown between the trio of surviving captives and the family. It goes on for ages but each one gets a satisfying demise, best among which being Andy having his face set on fire.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
ButterTart said:
THIS. I don't even know whether it's any good :D I just love watching it.
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Objectively it’s not a great film but the combination of its premise - a bored housewife takes on a gang of thugs and wins - and gorgeous Kim Basinger just instantly makes it a classic :D
 
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42. Deep Red (1975)
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Armed only with his luxuriant eyebrows and unsightly neck mole, Marcus (David Hemmings) sets out to solve the murder of a psychic medium.

Also known by the far grander title Profondo Rosso in its native Italy, this is our first anomalous placing of the rate. Under any normal circumstances, this would never place so low. However, this is a Christmas horror rate and, barring two flashback sequences, Christmas really doesn’t feature in the film at all. Enough to merit a place on the list, not enough to justify a higher spot. This is classic Dario Argento – lavish set pieces, weird music and an incomprehensible plot. Marcus only gets involved in the case (and the string of grisly murders which follow) because the police apparently can’t be arsed, and its great fun watching him piece together absurd clues to uncover an equally absurd killer. I might do a giallo rate one day, but today is not that day.

Best bit: The gloriously over the top death of Carlo (Gabriele Lavia). Hit by a lorry, dragged miles down the road by that same lorry, swung into a kerb and clubbed unconscious and then, when the lorry finally stops, having his head pulped as a rogue car accidentally runs over him. Really top drawer stuff.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch:But penalised for not being Christmassy enough.
 
41. Await Further Instructions (2018)
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On Christmas day, a warring family find themselves sealed into their house and forced to obey commands transmitted to them through their television.

Ambitious British sci-fi featuring a cast that will have you going ‘Oh her! What was she in?’ throughout. Christmas here is bleak and oppressive, as a troubled family get together and immediately remember why they don’t fraternise much; Mum’s brittle, Dad’s overbearing, Granddad’s racist. Everyone tends to dip into caricature – particularly the Dad – which can make the family difficult to sympathise with. The set design here is SPECTACULAR, the cramped house encased in mysterious black metal makes for a suffocating, unsettling atmosphere. The family are instructed to follow increasingly horrible instructions (inject themselves with used needles, wash themselves with bleach, isolate someone who is ‘infected’) and the brutal punishment for non-compliance makes it believable that they follow them as they do. It goes a bit mental towards the end but it’s a violent, effective film that wrings genuine dread from a modest budget.

Best bit: Sweet, fragile matriarch Beth (Abigail Cruttenden – Kate off Benidorm) pays the price for the family’s defiance when the bathroom she’s locked in is filled with a gas which burns her alive and causes her to explode. The nastiest death for the nicest character.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
40. P2 (2007)
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After working late on Christmas Eve, Angela (Rachel Nichols) is kidnapped by her building’s parking attendant Thomas (Wes Bentley), who has been harbouring a secret obsession with her.

@vespertine asked and I delivered. I’m so very good to my fans. P2 is definitely not without its flaws but, like While She Was Out, it serves up a likeable main character and some genuinely tense revenge horror. Wes Bentley and his resting sociopath face make him a natural fit as a creepy, murderous loner who just wants to love and be loved, although he does tend to overact at times. The cat-and-mouse here is much more even than in While She Was Out, with Angela never truly seeming to have the upper hand until the final act (The scene in the lift where she believes she’s talking to a technician who can call the police for her is particularly harsh). This was co-written by Alexandre Aja, who also wrote Switchblade Romance and the The Hills Have Eyes remake and, while this isn’t on their level, it’s an entertainingly tense and nasty thriller in its own right.

Best bit: Thomas ties up Angela’s co-worker Jim (Simon Reynolds) and instructs her to kill him. When she refuses, Thomas takes matters into his own hands, battering him with a torch before repeatedly crushing him against a wall with his car.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
39. Holidays (2016)

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Oh Christ, another anthology. Eight tales, each by a different writer and each taking place on a different occasion throughout the year.

This has been on Netflix for ages so I’d have thought a few of you will already have seen it. With so many shorts (and of such varying quality) it’s almost impossible to review objectively, so here’s a brief overview of each one:

1. Valentine’s Day – Nothingy story about a girl who fancies her swimming coach.
2. St. Patrick’s Day – Bizarre Irish short about a woman giving birth to a snake. It manages to be mundane and surreal at the same time and is quite ace.
3. Easter – A little girl sees the Easter bunny and is cursed to turn into him, meaning she must leave and never see her Mum again. This one is out-and-out nightmare fuel.
4. Mother’s Day – A mega fertile woman goes to a desert commune where bobs and tuppence are splashed about with gay abandon. Didn’t really get this one, but the flying man at the end is cool.
5. Father’s Day – A girl receives a tape recorded message from her dead dad with directions to follow in order to find him. Less interesting than I hoped.
6. Halloween – Written and directed by Kevin Smith and easily my favourite of the bunch. Cam girls get revenge on their evil boss by gluing a vibrator up his jacksie.
7. Christmas – Seth Green stars in a tale about a Dad who lets a man die in order to get a VR headset which plays the fears and fantasies of the wearer.
8. New Year – A blind date turns into a serial killer smackdown. It’s fun, but a bit of an anti-climax.

Best bit: Kevin Smith’s story is the most enjoyable, but it’s the Easter bunny’s explanation of the curse about to befall the poor, innocent child which really got to me.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
38. Black Cadillac (2003)
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On the way home from a bar, three young lads are terrorised by a black Cadillac on isolated, snow-covered roads.

Is it a Christmas film? Who knows! It’s listed as one by quite a few people, but there are no mentions of Christmas AT ALL and the only thing we have to go on is all the lovely, snowy scenery. Still, though, I’ve watched it so I might as well review it.

This is surprisingly great, like a made-for-TV version of Dead End (Still to come…). The three leads (including Jason Dohring off the Veronica Mars :disco: ) are flawed and likeable, and it’s their bickering, soul searching and loyalty to each other which drives quite a talky narrative. It can get a bit laggy and shouty in places and your interest will depend on how much you enjoy handbrake turns, but it’s an effective, unassuming little thriller. Human hospital fire Randy Quaid pops in for a bit as an affable local cop, which nicely alters the dynamic in the car where the majority of the action takes place.

Best bit: The film’s big set piece, where the trio’s attempts to fix their ailing car in a disused garage are interrupted by the Cadillac crashing through the wall.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::agog:
 
37. The Toybox (2005)
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Berenice (Claudine Spiteri) brings her new boyfriend Conrad (Craig Henderson) home to rural Norfolk to spend Christmas with her family, including her mad-as-a-bag-of-bastards younger brother Brian (Elliott Jordan)

I’m under no illusions that this will be everyone’s cup of tea and two sugars, but I like it. God knows, it took me enough years to finally track down a copy of it… Berenice (no, that’s not a typo) and Brian have a sinister relationship and the family are varying shades of depressed or bitter, most notable the Moopybait Mum (Suzanne Bertish). There’s a ton of stuff going on here, not all of it successful or comprehensible - Russ Abbott being a major plot point is entertaining but bewildering – but it earns serious points for effort. There’s witchcraft, solid animated sequences about Norfolk folklore, a third act massacre, and one of the most gorgeous, snow-capped villages I’ve ever seen on film. The writing is sharp, even if some of the acting is almost comically bad.

Best bit: The family airs their grievances at one of the most horribly awkward Christmas dinners ever committed to film. Suzanne Bertish chews the scenery like it’s made of fudge and I love every second of it.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch:
 
Oooh I do wonder if completely forgotten ATM is right around the corner then?

Loving this countdown so far BT - in time for me to watch half of these. :disco:
 
36. Juleblod (2017)
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A group of girls head to northern Norway for a festive break and are targeted by an escaped serial killer who strikes every year at Christmas.

One of two grisly Norwegian slashers on this list, Juleblod (AKA Christmas Blood but I like the original title more) makes fantastic use of location to tell its story. Set in the northernmost tip of Norway, it just never gets light. It’s disorienting, claustrophobic and undermines the brightly lit beauty of the little town the girls are staying in. The characters are relatively one-note and don’t have a ton of chemistry – Ritika (Haddy Jallow) in particular seems to be actively hated by the others, who think nothing of casting her out to her inevitable death. By contrast, the police in this are actually USEFUL, which is a concept I’d all but abandoned any hope of seeing in recent horror. If, like me, you’re a pervert who enjoys watching people scream and bleed, then you’ll find plenty to enjoy here.

Best bit: Token Australian Annika (Kylie Stephenson) takes an axe from above straight to the face and is then hoisted out of view BY HER FACE while her screaming friends are literally showered with her blood. It’s insane and so, so good.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch:
 
35. Alien Raiders (2008)
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Staff and shoppers at an Arizona supermarket are held hostage by an armed gang who seem to be looking for something very specific…

I really feel like the title Alien Raiders does this a massive disservice. It sounds so cheesy and like it would star Eric Roberts, yet the film itself is anything but. The writers do a sterling job of building a mythology and dropping the viewer into the midst of it without having to ambush us with exposition. The parasite the gang are looking for has its own rules, its own tells, all of which are gradually revealed without feeling forced. The film maintains a breathless pace from the opening minutes and squeezes as much tension from the premise and the location as it possibly can. Every character here has a defined motive, even if there’s not enough room to fully flesh out their personalities. This is a creditable sci-fi thriller that genuinely puts much higher-budget productions to shame.

Best bit: The opening shootout between a lone cop who happened to be shopping in the store, and the armed gang. A clever subversion of the ‘cops are useless’ trope in horror movies, in that he successfully takes down some of the hostage-takers, including the only person who can determine who is and is not infected with a parasite. The entire film happens because this one police officer actually did his job properly.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch:
 
vespertine said:
APPROPRIATE for that piece of CRAP. :disco:
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I said in my review that I genuinely feel like the characters WANTED to be trapped. They could have escaped dozens of times!

"Hey, he's round the back hitting the service door and making a load of noise. We could get out without him hearing us and be a fair distance away before he even realised we were gone."
"Yes we could, but let's not."
 
ButterTart said:
75. I Trapped the Devil (2019)

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Matt and Karen (AJ Bowen and Susan Burke) pay a Christmas visit to Matt's reclusive brother, Steve (Scott Poythress), who tells them he has the devil locked in his basement.

A weird one for me, this. It's dark, atmospheric and stars genre hero AJ Bowen. The performances are great, it's well made and the story is intriguing... but it somehow just feels flat. All the ingredients are there but I don't believe it properly explores its own premise. There are so many strands to the narrative: Steve's declining mental health; The mounting paranoia as Matt and Karen get drawn further into the situation; the possibility that Scott is telling the truth and the devil is ACTUALLY in his cellar, but none of them feel fully realised. All that said, this has done very well with the critics and I have a notion that it'd be far higher up the list if I'd had the chance to watch it a couple more times. It could well be that this low placing is a reaction to it being SO different to what I imagined it would be.

This is one I would definitely recommend watching, as I'd love to know what other people think.

Best bit: Steve's room covered with press cuttings he's collected since he trapped the 'devil'. He presents Matt with a ton of evidence that the world is actually getting better in the absence of Satan, and it's a cool, unsettling notion which I'd love the film to have looked at in more detail.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch:
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25 in and I think this is the first one I've seen :D

Agree with most that though, it really doesn't feel like it knows what to be or what angle to take. But even then, it stuck with me. That horrible foreboding stays throughout, especially with some moments in the cellar and the idea something horrible is actually in there. I tend to find the demonic/devil horrors the scariest when done well.

I could definitely have done with more plot/exploration of something though, but it seems to position itself as more of a MOOD PIECE
 
Raining On Me said:
25 in and I think this is the first one I've seen :D

Agree with most that though, it really doesn't feel like it knows what to be or what angle to take. But even then, it stuck with me. That horrible foreboding stays throughout, especially with some moments in the cellar and the idea something horrible is actually in there. I tend to find the demonic/devil horrors the scariest when done well.

I could definitely have done with more plot/exploration of something though, but it seems to position itself as more of a MOOD PIECE
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Yeah, I don't mind the ambiguity; is he mentally ill or is the devil ACTUALLY trapped in the cellar? It's the fact that they just seem to go along with it from the outset that means the potential there goes unfulfilled. The possibility that the world is getting better without the devil needed to be explored more - it was like they set up strand after strand for the ploy and did nothing with them.
 
34. Christmas Evil (1980)
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Harry (Brandon Maggart), a disillusioned Santa Claus obsessive, goes on a murderous rampage on Christmas Eve.

John Waters’ favourite Christmas film but sadly not mine, although it achieves a creditable position here considering the absolute brutes still to come. In fairness, it fully deserves its cult classic status; there’s so much about it that provokes a grin (albeit unintentionally). Harry works for the Jolly Dreams toy company, which churns out plastic, sub-kinder shite which for some reason is treated like the be-all-and-end-all, and at one point he makes a delivery to the ‘Willowy Springs Home for Retarded Children’…

Harry’s gradual descent into his delusion that he’s actually Santa stems the childhood trauma of seeing his Mum get licked out by a man in a Father Christmas suit (‘I Saw Mommy Getting Voraciously Motted By Santa Claus’, now available on iTunes) and reaches its climax when he goes on a killing spree around the town, with a brief, hilarious pit stop to get his fat arse stuck in a chimney while trying to deliver gifts. It’s absurd and almost devoid of plot in the latter stages but anyone who still hasn’t seen it is encouraged to seek it out at their earliest convenience.

Best bit: Harry is recognised as the killer Santa from the news, and is chased down by an angry mob who happened to have torches lying around waiting to be immediately lit for just such an occasion.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch:
 
ButterTart said:
59. Black Christmas (2019)
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Sorority girls (one of whom is played by the hilariously named Imogen Poots) fall foul of a patriarchal, misogynistic cult linked to the founder of their college.

It’s the woke, patriarchy-smashing remake of Black Christmas you never knew you didn’t need! I actually think a lot less of this BECAUSE it’s a remake; there’s enough here that it could quite easily have functioned as a standalone film but, as it stands, it pales in comparison to the first two and, despite its intentions, is easily the least feminist. It goes in heavy on male entitlement (a theme tackled much more successfully by other films further up this list) and makes the unusual decision to have absolutely NO redeemable male characters, so these women are left being smart and sassy in a vacuum which kind of nullifies their power. It’s actually quite off-putting in how unsubtle it is in its desperation to put message before plot. Word is that the script was written in menstrual blood on the sleeve liner for Sisters Are Doin’ It for Themselves.

All of the above is a shame, since the makers clearly have an eye for horror. There’s an amazing reference to the nurse’s station scene in The Exorcist III and an inventive spoof of the creepy phone calls from the original Black Christmas. The slasher element and the fightback the girls mount in the sorority house (before the woefully atrocious final act) show that, with a sharper, subtler script, they had the skill to make a far better film.

Best bit: Riley (Imogen Poots) and Kris (Aleyse Shannon) kill two attackers – one with keys between knuckles and the other with a plastic bag. This whole sequence tells us more about the characters than all of the sermonising and I really wish they’d gone down the home invasion route to tell this story.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :agog:
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This was really disappointing for me. I went to see it as it was shot in my hometown/my University was used for a lot of the scenes, so it was quite the novelty. Just a shame it was far too focused on the feminism aspect rather than the actual plot as it had potential to be a lot better.
 
Devil said:
This was really disappointing for me. I went to see it as it was shot in my hometown/my University was used for a lot of the scenes, so it was quite the novelty. Just a shame it was far too focused on the feminism aspect rather than the actual plot as it had potential to be a lot better.
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The horror parts were genuinely well done, which is what annoyed me. It’s not as if the first two versions were wildly misogynist, so why we needed a feminist reversioning I’m not sure.
 
33. Black Christmas (2006)
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Sorority sisters are bumped off one-by-one by a mysterious killer. Could it be Billy, the legendary former occupant of their unnecessarily huge sorority house?

I’m under no illusions that this is a good film. I wouldn’t even say it’s as competently made as the 2019 version. It is, however, much more entertaining than its successor, and features Michelle Trachtenberg having her eyes plucked out which is something any regular Buffy viewer would willingly make time for. I can’t watch this film when I’m eating, since every flashback scene to Billy and his family is FUCKING DISGUSTING. Seriously, why did he have to be yellow? He looks like him off the Sin City. The kills are concise and functional, the characters simplified, pre-millennial versions of their predecessors in the original film, and there’s altogether too much exposition. ‘But Butters’, I hear you trill, ‘You’ve made this sound like a steaming pile of old wank, why is it so far up the list you ridiculous cunt?’ The answer to that is that it’s FUN. It remembers it’s supposed to be a horror film and injects pure, dumb slasher action into every scene. These characters aren’t SUPPOSED to be liked; they’re supposed to die. The flashback isn’t supposed to be palatable because the family living in the house before were absolute monsters.

It knows what it’s supposed to be, it has no agenda to push and it exists solely to entertain and disgust. Mission accomplished.

Best bit: The double kill of Heather (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) and Ms Mac (Andrea Martin, who played Phyl in the first film!). The blood splatter of Heather’s death in the car causing Ms Mac to recoil in shock, accidentally dislodging an icicle which impales her in the face :D. Nonsensical, but mint.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch:
 
I do have a soft spot for Black Xmas. It’s just a balls to wall gross out slasher (even though they still had to film extra deaths just for the trailer!) and the flashback scenes are so well lit and grotty, they really capture that sleazy Christmas vibe SO WELL.
 
jivafox said:
I do have a soft spot for Black Xmas. It’s just a balls to wall gross out slasher (even though they still had to film extra deaths just for the trailer!) and the flashback scenes are so well lit and grotty, they really capture that sleazy Christmas vibe SO WELL.
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Re: the 'Black Christmas/Black Xmas' thing, most places list the official title as 'Black Christmas' but all the promotional material calls it 'Black Xmas'. I just don't know what to believe.
 
32. Clinical (2017)
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A therapist, still receiving treatment for her own trauma, believes that she is being targeted by the young patient she tried to help years earlier.

As my dear grandma used to say, any film that has a teenage girl slit her own throat in the first ten minutes isn’t here to fuck around. This is much more of a slow burn than I anticipated but ramps up the nastiness throughout, as Jane (Vinessa Shaw) seems to face ever more danger, with every source of security and comfort – including her police officer boyfriend Miles (Aaron Stanford) snatched away from her. The film is unsympathetic to all of its characters, including Alex (Kevin Rahm), Jane’s patient who is struggling to adjust to life after his facial reconstruction, and Nora (India Eisley) the troubled child who Jane believes is tormenting her. There’s an effective mystery built around exactly when Jane’s life is turning to shit which, although relatively easy to work out, leads to a vicious finale that underscores just how much our heroine has been put through over the course of the movie. Also, it’s set over Christmas, not that it’s especially relevant to the plot.

Best bit: Attacked in her house by Nora, Jane is forced to kill the girl with a bottle opener. Under questioning by the police, she is shown security footage of what actually happened…

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch:
 
Deep Red - I think I mentioned somewhere else that I'm not too keen on Argento other than Suspiria. I was quite bored watching it, but it's been a while since I've seen it. Maybe I need to rewatch. It looks great admittedly and the score is also remarkable.

Await Further Instructions - I hated this to be honest.

Black Christmas '06: I think it's been re-acclaimed recently as a camp horror classic, but I find it too mean-spirited to enjoy it. It truly feels nasty, and I agree that I can't eat watching it, it does make me feel nauseous as well. I also can't handle too much eye trauma, and this movie has A LOT of that.

P2 - It's bad, but Wes Bentley is very hot in it (even though he's a psychopathic murderer/kidnapper).
 
The Black Christmas remake was one in a long trend that started roughly with Texas Chainsaw in 2003, of injecting a ton of backstory into the antagonist rather than creating well-written, fully fleshed out female protagonists. Which I find...so...boring...
 
vespertine said:
The Black Christmas remake was one in a long trend that started roughly with Texas Chainsaw in 2003, of injecting a ton of backstory into the antagonist rather than creating well-written, fully fleshed out female protagonists. Which I find...so...boring...
Click to expand...
Rob Zombie's Halloween was the absolute worst offender for that, but that's probably because Rob Zombie's a terrible filmmaker who wouldn't know a decent horror film if it fucked his shit wife.
 
31. Don’t Open Till Christmas (1984)
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All across London, people wearing Santa suits are getting bumped off. After her father falls victim, Kate (Belinda Mayne) gets involved in the police investigation.

Hands up, who’s in the mood for a sleazy British slasher featuring a cameo by I Don’t Want to Be Born’s Caroline Munro as herself performing a god-awful 80s pop song? Nobody?

My recommendation for this one is to switch your brain off and enjoy the ride, because it’s an absolute scream. People dressed as Father Christmas are stabbed, hacked up, emasculated (again!) and have their faces roasted on an open fire yet, despite the danger being public knowledge, nobody seems to be deterred from sticking the suit on and nipping out to be brutally slaughtered. There’s tits aplenty (including one adult model who, when told she faces a charge of indecent exposure, replies ‘indecent? But I’m a professional!’), a non-stop conveyor belt of nasty death scenes, and some truly preposterous dialogue. In the latter category, the main offender is Kate’s iconic boyfriend Cliff (Gerry Sundquist), a man so catastrophically tactless and thick, he tries to trick Kate into a porn shoot literal hours after she watched her father die. ‘You have to come back into the real world sometime’ he tells her. Seriously, mate, rigor mortis hasn’t even set in yet. Silver tongued Cliff also tells a man in theatrical make up he looks like ‘a gay old queen’, and doesn’t want to be seen kissing a woman in a Santa suit because ‘they’ll think we’re a couple of GAYS’. He’s such a stupid cunt that I actually love him and wish there’d been a sequel where he just wandered around Putney for an hour and a half being a twat.

Best bit: So very, very much to choose from, but if I force myself to discount every scene Cliff is in, then I’d have to go with the chestnut vendor who has his face seared on the grill, is garrotted a bit, then is dumped back on the grill where he immediately catches fire from the waist upwards, even though NONE OF THAT PART OF HIS BODY WAS ANYWHERE NEAR THE FLAME. Seriously, I can’t put into words how amazingly, gloriously shit this film is.

Weihnachtstische out of ten: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch: :tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch::tisch:
 
After ASFXMAS we'll crack on with the top 30.

Getting into the top 30 is a huge achievement, regardless of eventual placing. I just need to make sure you understand that...
 
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