ButterTart
Succulent Chinese meal
47. Once Upon a Time at Christmas (2017)
A murderous couple embark on a killing spree in the town of Woodridge. It’s up to a rabble of FBI agents and local police to figure out the unbelievably obvious pattern to the slayings.
The first film to feature Simon Phillips and Sayla de Goede as Mr and Mrs Claus (The sequel The Nights Before Christmas has already appeared on this list), and neither of them are any less irritating here than they are in the follow up. I enjoy this movie more for the premise than the execution, but the ineptitude of every local and federal agent is genuinely astounding. I present, without comment, the full list of crimes committed in Once Upon a Time at Christmas. See if you can figure out the M.O
1. A man with the surname Partridge is murdered while eating a pear
2. Two necking teens are murdered at Turtle Dove Point
3. A family of three called The Frenchens are killed
4. Four women are killed at a bar. A British pathologist is shoehorned into the film just to introduce the slang term ‘birds’
5. Five FBI agents are murdered and have their ring fingers removed
6. Six geese are killed at a local farm (Condolences to the geese both Sexual and Asexual for their loss)
7. A girl with the surname ‘Swan’ is killed while swimming
8. Eight milking machines are destroyed at the farm
9. Nine exotic dancers are killed at a strip club
10. Ten influential local men are killed on a stag do
11. Plumbers from a company called ‘Pipes Are Calling’ are murdered
12. A massacre at an event called ‘drum fest’
It takes law enforcement TEN DAYS to establish the link between these incidents
The acting is crap, the gore effects are largely digital and the characters speak as if the script was written during a game of Boggle. I love it and I want us to be friends forever.
Best bit: The couple at Turtle Dove Point are burned to death in their car. Honourable mention goes to the scene where the sheriff finally works out the pattern, which hinges on DNA testing proving that the apple Partridge was eating was actually a pear (This is genuinely what happens )
Weihnachtstische out of ten:
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