Moopyvision 2010-2019 Round 3: Czech Republic, Malta & Serbia

[Penelope]

Friend of a Friend was fun but really that's about it. The whole thing had a bit of an air of DEATH BY INSTAGRAM

 

[lolly]

Will an underwear campaign suffice?

 

[VoR]

2nd: Mikolas Josef - Lie To Me (110pts)

The Czech Republic's biggest success to date, there was (minor) speculation that they could actually win with this Timberlake-aping groove. In the end, 6th feels about right - it's impressively well executed and he put on an impressive show considering he was working through a potentially debilitating back injury at the time.

Predictably divisive on Moopy, my favourite voting stat is what an UTTER DISS it is that despite a full-blown Helen Lovejoy campaign about the filthy lyrics at the time, @Kalabaliken actually ended up marking this higher than Martina Barta. Did she cut in front of him at the bar in Kyiv or something?

7 x 12 (Buttertart, Ag, sewerynsven, Alla, Kevin7, Jacques, RoM)
4 x 0 (Suomi, David_5000, Dark Carnival, Ill Advised)

1st: Gabriela Gunčíková - I Stand (142pts)

Having proved they could play nicely with the other children in 2015, the Czech team returned in 2016 determined to reach the final - and succeeded! Always a heartwarming moment at Eurovision when a long-suffering country breaks their duck.

Song-wise this is very Eurovision ballad by numbers, but Gabriela Gunčíková has a great set of lungs on her, and that dramatic hair reveal was clearly one the the greatest Eurovision reveals since the hatchet faced Moldovan woman tore out her own weave a few years earlier.

Shoving them in second place felt like a BIT of a slap in the face from the producers, and the null points on the televote was faintly embarrassing, but on the whole this was very much a mission accomplished.

8 x 12pts (VoR, Superstylin', Suomi, Win_The_Game, David 5000, Penelope, Kalabaliken, Kevin)
4 x 2pts (Ill Advised, Kevin7, Buttertart, Pingu)

 

[lolly]

That is him, isn't it? My hatred of the performance may have clouded my appreciation of his better features.

 

[D5K]

Well done Moopy.

 

[Penelope]

His styling was HORRENDOUS for a man clearly actually capable of being pretty. Did love the bit where he nearly died during rehearsals though.

This round really was ALL ABOUT II-IIIIIIIIIII I-IIIIIIIIII STAAAAAAAAND though Love the vox, love the hair, love the GameCube staging

 

[VoR]

Malta

10th: Thea Garrett - My Dream (46pts)

Extremely run-of-the-mill fare, if that God Forsaken Netflix Eurovision movie features an approximation of the generic Maltese entry, they could save money by just re-using the footage of this. I doubt anybody would remember.

Like a low-carb Chiara, it's all very sweet and the poor lass had a nice voice, but that prancing seagull behind her was certainly a choice. She's since had a bit of a glow-up and predictably enough now works on the cruise ships.

Highest Mark: 10 (Raining On Me)
5 x 0 (Superstylin, Suomi, Alla, Dark Carnival, Kevin)

 

[Penelope]

HOW MANY POINTS DID YOU GIVE IT VoR

 

[VoR]

9th: Claudia Faniello - Breathlessly (51pts)

Speaking of run of the mill, this poor tragic cow entered the Maltese national selection ELEVEN times before they finally gave up and sent her out with this doomed ballad in what can only be described as a national mercy killing.

As somebody with more than one Sarah Dawn Finer album on my shelf, I do obviously quite enjoy this myself, but it quite clearly didn't stand a cat in hell's chance of going anywhere. Her pendulous breasts swaying mournfully on the screen behind her make me chuckle to this day, but there's not much else to see here.

They should've sent her back in 2008 with Carravaggio, obviously. Curse that Vodka whore.

Highest Mark: 10 (Buttertart)
4 x 0pts (Sewerynsven, Kevin7, Ill Advised, Raining On Me)

 

[VoR]

HOW MANY POINTS DID YOU GIVE IT VoR

I gave 3 points to Thea and 6 to poor dear sad old Claudia, but you have to remember this round is basically the most VoR baiting collection of music ever assembled.

 

[Jacques]

I know the public doesn't always know best (see: Verona) but that Czech result

 

[Jacques]

Those Maltese ballads may be dull but the Glen Vella song is actively trash, the worst song in this entire round

 

[VoR]

8th: Gianluca Bezzina - Tomorrow (54pts)

The singing doctor with an Ed Sheeran hard-on, somewhat tragically, this twee little ditty is Malta's biggest success of the 2010s and their only top ten finish of the decade.

I suppose I can see the appeal, and he seemed like a nice enough chap, if vaguely like the sort of person who seems really pleasant until they casually drop into conversation that they and their entire family (pictured) belong to an obscure doomsday cult. Song-wise, this could probably be entered this year and perform just as well if not better. Such are the times we live in.

1 x 12 (Alla)
4 x 0 (Pingu, Buttertart, Win The Game, Penelope)

 

[Suomi]

My Turn committed the greatest Eurovision sin - we will accept most things, but we won’t accept being bored.

 

[Zu]

I’ve asked the VODKA WHORE () to fetch her wand, whisper the SECRET WORD and cast a wicked spell on that awful @VoR. That’ll learn yer

Mind you, said wand didn’t get the whore into the final

 

[Raining on Me]

Oh is "My Dream" really considered that bad? I don't actually LIKE it but as said, I skimmed through and it seemed one of the least worse. I can't tell much of a difference between one pale turd and another here.

Malta post-2010 is so much more awful than I remember.

 

[Zu]

Malta post-2010 is so much more awful than I remember.

You have to wonder whether there’s actually something WRONG with them (apart from Vella and Borg obviously ). Of course everyone loves Malta as a holiday destination and I’ve never heard a bad word said about it but maybe they have smooth brains like koalas

 

[Jacques]

Oh come on, "Tomorrow" was only just in my top 5 but he's just so cute. You can't tell me that "One Life" is better than that.

 

[Penelope]

Gianluca was one of a weirdly recurring number of entrants from Malta this decade who looked about twice as old as they were. He was TWENTY THREE when he entered! And looks like he's verging on 50 now!

 

[Penelope]

Oh come on, "Tomorrow" was only just in my top 5 but he's just so cute. You can't tell me that "One Life" is better than that.

OH YES I CAN

 

[Zu]

I’m pleased to see that brave @Penelope has put the horse to one side and is once again treating us to LOOK AT THE STATE OF THEM NOW Insta updates

 

[VoR]

7th: Glen Vella - One Life (55pts)

Oh, bless. I mean yes, this is clearly actively terrible on just about every level, but doesn't sweet little Glenn look like he's living his best gay life? Who could begrudge him?

Remarkably, this came within a single point of reaching the finals, which would have knocked Switzerland out in the process. Remember that Swiss entry? Me neither. I genuinely think I would have preferred this.

These days Glenn is almost certainly either really ripped and constantly posting thirst photos on Twitter, or successfully transitioning. There is no middle ground, and I'm excited to learn which road he took.

1 x 12pts (Penelope)
3 x 0 pts (Jacques, Ag, VoR)

 

[Penelope]

He somehow found a middle road and had ADULT BRACES in mid-2018

 

[Penelope]

Also OMG HOW COULD YOU ALL. It was THIS DECADE'S IN THE DISCO!

 

[Dark Carnival]

I REALLY did NOT want to give these fuckers any points.

2nd: Mikolas Josef - Lie To Me (110pts)

The Czech Republic's biggest success to date, there was (minor) speculation that they could actually win with this Timberlake-aping groove. In the end, 6th feels about right - it's impressively well executed and he put on an impressive show considering he was working through a potentially debilitating back injury at the time.

Predictably divisive on Moopy, my favourite voting stat is what an UTTER DISS it is that despite a full-blown Helen Lovejoy campaign about the filthy lyrics at the time, @Kalabaliken actually ended up marking this higher than Martina Barta. Did she cut in front of him at the bar in Kyiv or something?

7 x 12 (Buttertart, Ag, sewerynsven, Alla, Kevin7, Jacques, RoM)
4 x 0 (Suomi, David_5000, Dark Carnival, Ill Advised)

But I hated this fucker a lot more

 

[win_the_game]

Also OMG HOW COULD YOU ALL. It was THIS DECADE'S IN THE DISCO!

It was fucking dire.

 

[Penelope]

It was fucking dire.

It was It's All About You by CUTIE OF THE EVENING

 

[VoR]

6th: Firelight - Coming Home (75pts)

A sweet little Mumford and Sons moment that most people expected to see do a fair bit better than it did. I guess it must have got lost in the shuffle a tad, which is often Malta's curse. Also, watching the performance back the Copenhagen stage really swallowed them a bit.

Shirley Clamp on the keys is the clear highlight, but they all look like they're having a jolly old time. The lead singer is quite clearly on the dying days of a doomed Keto kick as we speak.

Highest score: 10 (Suomi)
2 x 0pts (Kalabaliken, David 5000)

 

[Zu]

It was fucking dire.

I tried to remember how it went before looking at the link but all that came to mind was this, which was JUST AS WELL QUITE FRANKLY

 

[Raining on Me]

We actually planned a holiday to Malta last year, looked everything up, what to do, all the best drunken dives, then changed our minds. Can't think why

And that was before seeing all these terrors SIDE BY SIDE.

 

[Penelope]

Firelight's lead singer only appears to have ONE PHOTO on his Instagram, which also has the distinct vibe of a MISSING PERSONS FLYER

 

[Penelope]

I tried to remember how it went before looking at the link but all that came to mind was this, which was JUST AS WELL QUITE FRANKLY

Oh those lusty cheers to those second verse body rolls really NEVER FAIL TO AMUSE

 

[ButterTart]

8th: Gianluca Bezzina - Tomorrow (54pts)

The singing doctor with an Ed Sheeran hard-on, somewhat tragically, this twee little ditty is Malta's biggest success of the 2010s and their only top ten finish of the decade.

I suppose I can see the appeal, and he seemed like a nice enough chap, if vaguely like the sort of person who seems really pleasant until they casually drop into conversation that they and their entire family (pictured) belong to an obscure doomsday cult. Song-wise, this could probably be entered this year and perform just as well if not better. Such are the times we live in.

1 x 12 (Alla)
4 x 0 (Pingu, Buttertart, Win The Game, Penelope)

How did this gurning, simpleton CUNT get more points than Breathlessly?

 

[win_the_game]

6th: Firelight - Coming Home (75pts)

A sweet little Mumford and Sons moment that most people expected to see do a fair bit better than it did. I guess it must have got lost in the shuffle a tad, which is often Malta's curse. Also, watching the performance back the Copenhagen stage really swallowed them a bit.

Shirley Clamp on the keys is the clear highlight, but they all look like they're having a jolly old time. The lead singer is quite clearly on the dying days of a doomed Keto kick as we speak.

Highest score: 10 (Suomi)
2 x 0pts (Kalabaliken, David 5000)

I seem to remember RS was in full blown bitchy queen mode over this and declared the lead singer ‘obese’.

 

[VoR]

5th: Amber - Warrior (86pts)

I had no choice but to stan at the time, but in retrospect this wasn't even the best song called Warrior in the 2015 Eurovision Song Contest.

A musical blueprint for Helena Paparizou's vastly superior Survivor with reheated Conchita visuals, plus a vocal that just about teetered on the precipice of going totally off the rails, this was all too easily overlooked in the Semi finals.

I think the main issue is I was never really sure that she would conquer. She seemed much more like a keep your head down and do a tea round type.

1 x 12pts (Buttertart)
2 x 1pt (Ag, Kevin)

 

[Zu]

We actually planned a holiday to Malta last year, looked everything up, what to do, all the best drunken dives, then changed our minds. Can't think why

Apparently there are some lovely shacks selling the finest home brew, the lamb slaughtering workshops are a lot of fun, and of course the discos play all the Maltasong hits. However, word of caution: you’ve got to watch out when renting a caravan because the owners let themselves in to rifle through your purse and pocket your Lou Lou

 

[Penelope]

Fuck ME, he was TWENTY FOUR HERE!

WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THEM IN MALTA?

 

[Penelope]

Loved Warrior in a total Survivor understudy way, but yeah, can't say I've really GONE BACK TO IT at all the last five years.

Amusingly she seems to have completely disappeared off the face of the earth since

 

[VoR]

4th: Kurt Calleja - This Is The Night (110pts)

I remember being utterly gobsmacked when this qualified in 2012, but in retrospect I'm not sure why. As basic Eurovision uptempo's go, it's pretty great!

Despite resembling lost Moopy poster funky on a corporate night out, Kurt was remarkably only 23 years old in 2012. Poor old Amber from 2015 also features in what is perhaps her more natural position of briefly audible backing singer.

2 x 10s (Alla, sewerynsven)
1 x 2pts (Ill Advised)

 

[VoR]

Fuck ME, he was TWENTY FOUR HERE!

WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO THEM IN MALTA?

I guess it is quite SUNNY and a fair proportion of them will be at least partially ethnically English, which is potentially quite an ageing combination.